On Now

Things aren’t great at the moment. I’m hearing and seeing things again, and having more frequent panics. I have just landed a job that is a long-awaited relief money-wise, it gets me by, but I’m about four weeks in and it seems to be just as bad as every other horrible public sector job there is, where the customers can pick at you and the managers don’t care, and you generally feel a bit pointless and stamped on. Anyway, it’s not making life as easy as I’d hoped.

I am finding it hard to eat properly, or enough, because the thought of any food makes me feel ill, so I am instead randomly and miserably bingeing on whatever offends me least each time I can’t bear my stomach pains anymore. I’m just not enjoying the simple things that I used to. I don’t know when it started. And I’m worried that I’m going to have to live with this coming and going for the rest of my life.

I started a game with a friend at work the other day; a scoring system for making the best cup of tea. There were four sections, each marked out of ten, and each score range was assigned a name reflecting the overall success of said tea. It was trivial and fun, but it developed into scoring people out of ten, and after dryly remarking that the tea ‘makes me love you more and more every day’, I wondered what happens when you hit 10 with a person. Is that it? Do they stay there forever? No, they don’t. If you make a 10/10 cup of tea, and then never make any more, you remain a top cuppa maker. But if you make any less-than-perfect after that, you go down again. You only have the possibility to go back down.

I’m worried, unhappy, exhausted. Is this all there is? I feel like I’m still awaiting a calling in life, for something to tell me what I’m good at. I still can’t just settle into myself and know what it is that I am about, what I bring to the table (other than tea), what I offer the world. Because ultimately, I think everyone has to serve themselves, and people go about life in a way that’s acceptable for others and rewarding for themselves. I think what makes me feel happy is making people laugh, or smile. Or impressing them. A young wish to be noticed and wanted. I could say very easily that I’m not beautiful, I’m odd-looking and that’s because I’m funny, and that’s ok, but I don’t even know that for sure. I could say I’m clever, but that idea disappeared when I moved to secondary school and I wasn’t different anymore. I’d like to think that I am not a tortured-artist soul who will get noticed after she dies. Please.

A couple of regular customers noticed that I was new yesterday, and made a point of saying hello. I was overwhelmingly touched.

 

More Than

One contact address
One brief personal statement
Five most recent, relevant employments
Two references
Comprehensive education description
Brief mention of additional skills and training
Pointed mention of voluntary work
Thirty copies
Every spare hour spent spreading myself thin
Two weeks’ wait
Or more.
I thought I was more than this.

Happy people don’t write

I decided to test this theory, by writing about something sad…

I was the source of your distaste
I was the why you left in haste
I was the reason you laid waste
To what we’d both long strived to ace
Apparently ‘One True Love’ based
Kind words that didn’t have me braced
For anything that you held chaste
Such a shame, so quick we raced
So fiercely we refused to face
What killed your pace, what slimmed my waist
What a sparkling lack of grace
In those sad, mad lines we traced

… And about something happy…

Ickatus pickatus pockatus pall
How I love you, balls n’ all

 

Dirty Water

Here lies a girl, a friend and daughter

Who kept things secret like she oughta

When people shouted and threw things

She picked her lips and stroked her rings.

She thought of any but herself,

She nursed the healthy back to health.

All good things come to good jail bait

That knows its place to sit and wait

And knows that how, in its own time,

It is expected after crime

For some to sink and some leave waste,

Some lie down and others haste.

Here lies a girl, a friend and daughter

Who lay down once in dirty water.

Hello again world

Well it’s rained and it’s sunned and I feel a bit more alive! I feel almost as fresh as I can. I have a new plan, hope, I have let go of some of my major heartstrings that were bringing me down in the past few months. I just had a couple of very emotionally busy weeks. Everything really does always happen at once!

I nearly lost my relationship, which is consequently in a very different place right now, as is my head. I am thinking clearly about my own career, feelings, priorities. I am sorting things out, and feel confident that I’m making the right, sensible, ultimately most rewarding decisions.

Everything happens for a reason. I feel changed. I am not more cynical. I am more free. I can let go of the things that don’t matter. The things that are inevitable. I understand that nothing is forever. I still have feelings, but I can tame them enough to get me through this messy patch into a very good, productive next twelve months.

It’s been two years in the talking but finally I am setting up a theatre company with two good friends from university: http://sixlipstheatre.wordpress.com/

Living the dream. Writing and creating work entirely our own, working for ourselves, doing whatever it is we feel. This is the outlet I need. It will create an arsenal of powerful, useful evidence for me and potential employers/employees, of the creativity I am capable of. And it will be heaps of fun.

I am so looking forward to getting to know these girls even better, and getting to spend more time with them in personal and working environments. I think they are pretty special! I am lucky to have this opportunity.

While we’re on the subject, I LOVE everyone I work with. I have been so incredibly lucky at work since uni and have an amazing group of friends as a result. Go universe.

I’m not sure what else to say at the moment. I’ve been so caught up in tantrums and breakdowns that they consumed me until my head spat them out. Suffice to say, I am feeling pretty good right now.

I have my low days, my periods of confusion. I still need a little support every now and then. So far, you are all being incredibly supportive, thank you. Thanks for letting me do my thing.

Love to you all.

Please load faster

I have very little energy right now, I will say a little about a lot. Thursday I went out. I did the usual peak-too-early and then get bored and depressed watching everyone have a good time, get emotional whenever above 3˚C, aggressively refuse help or attention of any kind. I am tired of all the competition. Who is the drunkest, the loudest, the sexiest. Who’s touched most of the present company. I am not good at that game for a reason – it’s a shameful load of crap. However, it gets me down. Female fucking dominance displays. Why can’t we just all be happy together? It’s like being back in primary school telling the two best friends lies about each other and dragging them across the playground just so there’s not someone having a better time of it than you at that moment. Jealous? Take it. Why not, you can after all.

These are things that make me want to die. That familiar insufficient feeling. The noise, the awkwardness. Yes I like to shout sometimes. But I hate thinking I’ve got where I want to be, and then that feeling of getting kicked in the stomach. Wake up, you’re unhappy. Look, Life, right. I don’t like certain things. I like the way I am. So could you leave that alone and stop shoving things in my face that make it seem like none of that gets me anywhere, and that others are always going to win? Cheers.

Friday. Come home to my beau. Fantastic times. Love and smiles. Bit of stress and future uncertainty. Nice chill out. Cup of tea, bath, being read Angela Carter. Big fat grin.

Saturday. Sleep. Movies. House browsing online. Looks like I’m moving away after all. Few crazy hormones, the usual games. Rescue though. Big fat sign of yes in my moment of wah.

Sunday. First acting since probably two years ago. Got to rip people apart and run around and screech like a demon from Hell. Was fun. Had some cereal this morning, some crisps on the way home, and then collapsed at about half 6 till half 9. Crap at this eating-waking game.

Got to wait another week before the doctor can see me. Wanting a blood test because I was off a silly amount last week just sleeping and aching, and had scarily low blood pressure. Messed up my pill reorder again so will be without them for about a week in total. Felt the effects on the second day without, though maybe this is just because I was thinking about it. Either way, tears can’t usually get through and they did this day.

Need to be satisfied with myself and my life, and accept my decisions. Don’t want to leave but know it’s necessary. Worried, of course. Need to stop thinking about death as an easy way out, but it makes too much sense compared to everything else.

Pre-Life Crisis

Feeling confused and paranoid and easily triggered. Needing a sense of approval. Not quite keeping a secure routine with food and meds. Exercise not really happening. Slept so much on and off over the past few days. Every little activity tires me out. I can do a full busy shift at work, but sitting at home watching an hour-long episode of Generation Kill just wears me out. I have to be constantly engaging all my senses in order to stay up. I feel like Crank.

Missing regular contact with friends, and a sense of independence. Kind of worried about the future, mainly this summer because it’s looming and I have no solid plans yet. Thinking about living with strangers and friends, and how I may not do that ever again. How I may not venture or stray, because I am essentially happy with my boyfriend. I think maybe I’ve been a bit stupid in convincing myself of dissatisfaction with life, hoping for more. Yes it’s bland working this meaningless job and working to live, it’s bleak not having time or energy for what seems to be the point. It all seems attainable but just… doesn’t happen I suppose. All I mean is that I want more time chilling out with friends in fields looking at the sky, I guess. Reading to people, massage, and all those simple pleasures.

Sometimes I see this hunger for meaning as that inevitable, enduring human thirst, that keeps us going. I feel hopeless sometimes. I can’t really organise these thoughts because they go round in circles a lot. I appreciate life, and yet sometimes I think about ending it. I don’t think I could ever go through with it. As someone once said to me, ‘Don’t you think it would just be such a huge waste?’ I know it is always worth going on. But sometimes, when I really can’t grasp the point, the meaning of it all, I tend to give up. I really need some goals that shine out to me like holy grails because I need something massive to keep my sights set on living a long healthy life. I used to worry about second-hand smoke and mind-altering drugs and other things that might affect me in the long term. I never thought I’d get a tattoo. My body was a temple. Etc. I don’t know what I am anymore. Pre-life crisis. How do you begin to live a real life?