Things that are my fault in the cinema


Hello! It’s me, your friendly cinema assistant. Just so we’re on the same page, I’d like to stand up and declare the things that are my fault. You may shout and swear and be passive aggressive at me for any or all of the following:

  • Our chip & pin machines not working properly
  • The Great Expectations literature (and the show’s own website) not stating whether or not it is indeed a musical
  • The queueing system
  • The opening times
  • Problems with your membership
  • Lack of information about other business’s events
  • Which films are (and are not) showing
  • Films selling out
  • The papers printing the wrong show times
  • Your debit card not being signed
  • The mess left by a previous audience being bad enough that it’s not completely invisible in the ten-minute turnaround before you enter the screen
  • The no-phone policy, which, by the way, we’re pretty lenient on at the moment. Giving you two warnings is pretty generous considering you’re openly using a bright white lit, noise-making recording device inside a screen, taking calls during a showing, or calling people inside a screen to find out where they are because you are late (another rule we’re pretty lenient with.) Phones are a whole other sea of nonsense on their own.
  • The design of the building, which manifests itself in numerous demons – lack of heating, too much heating, not enough light, too much light, not enough leg room, the toilets being downstairs, etc…
  • The toilets being a complete death-hole from the last round of customers coming out of a showing at once, two minutes ago, since which time I have been cleaning their mess upstairs in the screen.
  • Someone sitting next to you in a screen
  • You arriving too late for the breakfast menu
  • You not reading the small print
  • You not having ID
  • You not having proof of concession
  • Your bitter, ugly home life
  • The prices of food and drink. (We’re a cinema. Walk one minute to the nearest newsagent if you really care.)
  • The snow
  • The film not being to your taste
  • Our lack of internet cafe
  • Our terrible wifi signal
  • My not having been warned that you were a wheelchair user, and that I needed to take out two seats, which I am now doing alone, with an ill-sized tool, during the trailers. You’re right, I’m just doing this to show you how much I hate disabled people.
  • Your hearing impairment and apparent lack of any alternative such as sign language or hearing aid
  • Your intolerance to not only dairy, but everything stocked by a standard bar
  • Orange not sending you a 241 code
  • Cineworld buying us out
  • The toilets flooding
  • The basement flooding
  • Everything that happened before I came on shift
  • Release dates
  • Booking dates
  • Your having travelled “3,000 miles” (This was actually said last night, I exaggerate not) to see a film without booking, and it now being sold out at fifteen minutes into the twenty-minute trailer grace period.
  • The fact that you can’t book specific seats for showings before 5pm.
  • Someone else sitting in your seat
  • You can’t tell where the door is for the bar
  • We have nowhere to put external advertising

Coming soon… Things I love hearing from cinema customers! #1 “Did you know there’s a spider in the pin machine?”

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