World if you won’t make it famous, I will. I will bombard you with references to famous authors making out that I move in such circles, I will dedicate my heart away to any and every sentimental tie in my life that you can trace. I will make sure there is always something on your desk – if you send it back, I will send you something else. I will lie to you like a good artist and tell you everything you want to hear – that my work is fantastic, and recognised; that it is abhorred and outrageous. I will put on an RP accent when you call, I will letterhead and use appropriate sign-offs like a mothertrucker. I agree to all terms and conditions, re-enter all my details again and again and again and again, print hard copies a-go-go, prepare some SAEs, and ready some perfumed envelopes with little stick-men drawings on that I spent hours on to make my letter stand out and that weren’t quite to your artistic taste, so you binned them.


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