Yesterday I made an executive decision with myself. After some thought, I sat myself down and figured out how to place my words. Respectful consideration is paramount when dealing with oneself.
I told myself that I needed more Me Time. I am going to relish my spare time, (because there is actually some spare when all is done, after all) as opposed to hunting it down and cramming it with whatever business/social homework/catch-up ‘needs’ doing. I do need those things. But not always more than I need some time to just sit and be.
Tonight, in a rather delicate state induced by the enjoyment of last night, I found myself watching The Girl Who Leapt Through Time. Anime is wonderful for a hangover. I’m in just the right state of mind to enjoy the epic conceptual exploration and the indulgent visuals, while also having my guard low enough to really get caught up in the emotion. And what wonderful stories! Time travel makes my head, and heart, hurt. Who could ever deal with the notion that there are a number of different (parallel for them) realities, in one of which people they know have died? Who could keep up with it? I have enough trouble organising one plane of reality in my life. And who could, having found out such a thing, exist without going insane in a world where they feel like they are talking to ghosts? It’s very stirring. I highly recommend it. That and Doctor Who.
I have also made a lot more time for reading recently, and embarked on the complete collection of Sherlock Holmes, finishing A Study In Scarlet within a week. Also high fun; another thing to add to the bank of things that I like, and that make up what it means to be me.
Next on the agenda, some indulgent mooching to the sound of Lana Del Rey, who I am enjoying a lot at the moment, at my own surprise. I look forward to more discoveries and more time that feels well spent. I already feel more relaxed and wholesome, and like I’m achieving more with my time. Doing less can be so efficient!
I think the yearning for this time has come from not being single for very long periods for about seven years. “Yep, that’ll do it.” There is something wonderful about having the companionship of a partner you can rely on, someone you know you’re going home to see every night. But actually, I realised I am taking a lot for granted here. I may see my partner every night, but we don’t actually see each other anymore. We don’t hang out. We get in after late shifts and sleep, get up just in time for early shifts and say goodbye. If he had his own key, I’m pretty sure we would not even get up to say hello or goodbye most of the time. And of course, all the time you’re in someone else’s company, (for me that has, until yesterday, been all day every day until I fall asleep) you are making compromises with your time. You are combining your priorities with someone else’s. Your desires may happily coincide, or they may not. You may not particularly feel wowed by their suggestion to watch Aliens tonight, but you think, “Yeah alright, as long as you stay awake to turn it off.” Boom – the sound, sights and intellectual engagement that Aliens demands (I have it on good, medical, authority that watching films is actually a productive activity) are in your space until you fall asleep. And probably for a little while after that. I am taking control of this time. The times I would be saying, “Yeah, why not,” I am suggesting things that are inherently more exciting because they’re not done out of habit.
Anyway, Enjoy Yourself.
- A Study in Scarlet by Arthur Conan Doyle – Free Online Text and Kindle Edition (sherlockholmes22b.wordpress.com)