“Please Don’t Cry” Cake

You will need:

A friend who has suffered some kind of immediate trauma or stress in the past few minutes
A fear of human contact
£1.something
Probably some kind of humorous card to awkwardly explain yourself in the way you otherwise can’t

Let’s get going:

Pre-tune your tension levels to react in direct response to those of others. Line your palms with the kind of mild sweat that keeps you just embarrassed enough to burrow your hands away in your long sleeves.
Walk around for a bit with your centre of gravity in your groin, to show that you’re in control.
Make yourself oblivious to anything that would normally be observed as ‘unusual’ within your proximity. In fact let’s go all out and ignore everything on both sides of that boundary.
Wait patiently for said friend to announce said trauma or stress.
Stare blankly at them in an attempt to offer a sincere ear while conveying utter nonchalant apathy.
Run away.
Apply your £1.something to the inside of the nearest Greggs.
Presentation is key – return to your friend and place the cake down in front of them silently, preferably while they are busy with something else.
Make like a tree.
Observe friend’s disappointment and disillusionment from a safe distance.

Et voila!

If you opted for a card, probably best wait a few days until you start to wonder if your friend is wondering why they ever spoke to you in the first place. Leave this lying around in a general area they may or may not pass through. Don’t be seen. It’s probably best they don’t find it anyway. You did your bit.

I wish I could help people more.

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