Letters I Should Have Sent #2

Dear Darcy,

Things do change in a lot of ways you expect them to, and a lot of the ways people describe. It’s always going to be different for you because you insist on making things yours. Everything you experience has to be more detailed, yet less definable, more uniquely tragic. You make things hard for yourself in kind of a beautiful way. No one else will ever have what you have with yourself. You’re like the cutest couple.

I promise you it doesn’t get easier. It just gets hazier. Enjoy your mind while it lasts, and be louder. And record everything.

With love,


Letters I Should Have Sent #1

Dear Mr Besson,

I am writing to you today to submit a proposal for your wise perusal and consideration. I really like films and I think I’d be good at writing one. In fact I have actually written a whole one and even printed it out for you to have a look at, look. (Behind this letter.)

Being a very established director, and my personal favourite – I knew you were the man for the job.

I have a particular actor in mind who I know would do our project justice. The very serious practitioner Gene Hackman, I feel, would be perfect for this role.

Basically, Gene would play a spoon who is dunked into a vat of sugar against his will. This is obviously a very demanding and complex role, one for which we would require Gene to partake in an intensive rehearsal period. I suggest putting Gene inside Stanislavski’s ‘Black Box’, where he cannot see anything and so is more easily able to imagine himself as the spoon.

I know some directors who usually work in a similar way, such as Mr Mike Leigh, who makes films using actors as rubbish as Sally Hawkins. So if you don’t like my idea, I can always go to him. After all, I don’t think Mr Hackman speaks French, so this is probably a flawed idea anyway.

I would appreciate some feedback on my idea; preferably between half and three-quarters of a side of A4, as I get a bit distracted towards the end of a page. This letter has been quite a struggle for me. Obviously I will take all your points into account when making my decision, and I do hope to work with you at some point, because I hear you make nice pancakes.

Thank you for your time. You can go back to your life now.

Yours most sincerely,



Plug In

For those of you who don’t know, I am embarking on an internship at a new local artistic enterprise, Bar Lane in York, with two fellow alumni. We have founded a new theatre company, Six Lips Theatre, and are particularly interested in original, devised, immersive theatre with powerful aesthetics and rich scripts.

It’s going very well – you can keep up with our progress on the Six Lips Theatre WordPress blog, on Twitter, Facebook and MySpace. It’s all very fun, but we are beginning to realise now that we are being pushed by our business mentor to ‘make ourselves a product’, that we don’t know much about marketing. Word of mouth and initial punter enthusiasm doesn’t count for much in York, it seems.

So pull your trousers up, York, and get yourselves down to AT LEAST one session of EACH of these events, and then we can happily leave you watching X Factor re-runs with your time instead, knowing you’ve given us a shot.

While we work towards our first big show together, our flagship, (coming April 2011, a special anniversary-of-our-formation extravaganza with limited free tickets to be found amongst other exciting surprises) we are hosting regular, weekly events to build up our kitty, to get established, get recognised, and to eke out all the creativity hiding in the snickleways of our city.

WWWdot are a FREE ten week course of weekly Wednesday workshops held in Theatre 3 at York St. John University (in the quad), culminating in an original devised performance. We intend to explore with you the various art forms and techniques we have gleaned from and experiment with methods of generating work. We will cover writing, devising, improvisation, physical theatre, performance art, happenings, and classics. Contact us for dates and reservations at info@sixlips.co.uk. Set to run on a termly basis. And we know the flyer says November, but it’s actually October, and they’re on NOW.

Open Mic Goodness happens on Thursdays from 7-9pm at Pulse Café on Fossgate. Art, music, comedy, poetry, prose, rants and ramblings all welcome. If you can’t make it but you want to get your stuff heard, send us something to read for you. £2 entry, £1 to perform. Inquiries and submissions to info@sixlips.co.uk, or in Pulse, where you could have a nice cup of tea and some homemade cake while you ask.

Finally, I and my colleage and co-founder, Roxanna Klimaszewska, host Lazy Sunday Writers’ Club. At Bar Lane Café every Sunday from 1-4pm, followed by optional storytelling from 4-5pm. Come and share ideas, learn and practise techniques, develop scripts and stories, brainstorm with like-minded creatives. Lazy Sundays provide an atmosphere where writers of all kinds can come and work, network and appreciate to their hearts’ desire. £5 for the day, £7 for two. Bring your own lunch if wanted, tea and coffee available for £1 each. Obviously if you’re a reader here, you’ll be familiar with my writing. Rocky’s is coming soon here: http://roxannaklimaszewska.wordpress.com/

Please support us. We are very capable, confident, and happy with how things are going, but at the end of the day we rely on people for all our projects, and we want you there. We like to share. Now go tell all your friends.



Oral Pleasure

Funny how you spend your twenty-four-seven hating and craving away from something so much it drives you sick, earns you several weeks’ rest of the year, and then the minute it leaves your life, you go looking for another one to take its place.

I’m not going to move to a fucking island. I am not going to hunt boar with a spear, or start eating seafood. I am not going to wear rags and make huts from sticks. I am not on LOST.

I am a worker bee. I love it. I like the work, more often than not. In fact I’ve had few jobs that have included duties I’ve actually been opposed to at all. I’m pretty hardy. But when it comes to people, and THE MAN, being shitty, count me out.

I would rather lick the remains of chewy orange juice from the soles of dogs with handkerchief neckties (not cool by the way, and certainly not cute) than sit and stew at the job that fired not one but two perfectly good employees on frankly shaky grounds without ample explanation, warning or actual face to face interaction.

I would like to expose, voila:

Clock House Dental, Heworth

This week they fired two young girls nearing the end of their probation period in letters, one of which was delivered on the supervisor’s way out of the building, leaving the employee feeling completely kicked out in the cold and furious. The second was dismissed today, in a one-on-one meeting (Why were they not both given the same treatment?) and then expected to continue nursing for the rest of the afternoon. I was told later that this was because the supervisor wanted the afternoon off, and simply did it at the end of her own working day.

I am not one to fight the system. I am not a rebel. I am not a drama queen. I am perhaps oversensitive, emotional and fragile. But these things didn’t happen to me. And they made me angry. They were not done properly.

If you’re listening, future employers, I’m very good myself and I am the one who didn’t get fired, I quit. I can take criticism, I can learn, I can improve. But I will not wait for the inevitable; especially if that means handing over final say to aforementioned money-grabbing fat cats – Did I mention, the new guy they’ve hired in our section is being paid about £4,000 less than we were? Our pay STARTED that way. Seems a little too obvious, but then, the best stories are true, and the truth is fucking ugly.

I’ll leave this one with a little something a patient provided us with yesterday over the phone…

“Cock House? I don’t want to speak to anyone who lives in a Cock House. No, I don’t want any cocks thank you.”

No, Mam. Neither do I.