Touch me, I’m single, and don’t ask me questions

So. Eighteen months with someone and now I’m just me again. Just me. Free me. New me. Old me. Forty-four love letters spent on you, though they are more pieces of me than tributes to you, which is why I’m still proud. I’ll always own up to my mistakes and my joyful moments, I think there’s something wonderful about revelling in miseries as well as joys. Channelling it all. Appreciating the experience. I did my best and I don’t regret a thing. I honestly feel so free and light, I think I’ll actually be amazing from now on. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I am exercising manners and the seven happier muscles in my face, and being enthusiastic, and I don’t have to fake it. I don’t have to hide anything anymore. I don’t have to lie. I have smoked. I have inhaled. Yes there’s been violence. There’s been shouting. There’s been so much going on under this roof. Anyway, I’m single now, and this is why I’ll be fabulous at it…

I have wonderful, supportive friends. I can fully express myself free of guilt or responsibility. I now have lots of ME time to rediscover what makes me happy. I can make the love with whoever I please. Living back in town, I can get drunk as often as I want. I am grabbing my calling by the balls. I am beautiful and amazing. The world is my oyster. I have my own space. I have PLANS of my own. Hello world, good to see you again.

Sparkly People

All the good people seem to be going through things. Everyone’s breaking up. Summer’s come and we’re surrounded by change, moving on, fresh starts. Reminders of transience. It’s okay because we’re sparkly. We can do anything. We may cry, but we’re still smiling. It can all be channelled. We remember always our comforts, our friends, loving arms and family. There is always… not hope, but… the pink stuff. The things that nurse you through. Carry you. We can still giggle. I love you friends, you know who you are. Your care means more to me than I can describe, which is one of the little pink things I love about life.

Let Go

Living is easy when you feel like you’re surplus. There are no reasons to hunt or to hide from. Suddenly everything fun is okay. You can open your arms and beat your chest and not care. So the world doesn’t need you, so what, so there. Take what you’re given, enjoy it, be free. Pull funny faces and never again smile out of politeness. Genuine only. Genuine you. Hit the wall, push it over, see the amazing other side of truth that gets through every now and then. ‘I told you so, none of it matters.’ Look at your new friend with blood in your veins. Breathe easy. You can only really do it when you learn to let go. When Let Go kicks you in the stomach and shows you a completely new you. Let go, it’s fun.

Generation Why

Generation Why. Generation why bother. Generation why are we here. Generation why the fuck didn’t you use a condom. Generation why have kids when you could get a dog, and they’ll more likely die before the world ends. Generation why are we still here. Generation why did my parents choose each other when one of them had sloping shoulders and one had an asymmetrical nose. Generation why haven’t you done it yet. Generation why do you care so much. Generation why aren’t we bored yet. Generation why is it all bars and pubs and restaurants and shops and cars and houses and kids and drugs and holidays and back to work. Generation why can’t anyone just be themselves. Generation why are we still harping on about love and romance when they figured it out centuries ago, poems are all used up and mystery is dead, science gave us answers and we didn’t want those. Generation why is it such a phenomenon to be completely honest, in all its contradictive but true states. Generation why is that not good enough. Generation pro-destruction. Generation, I defy you why and give you my idea – here I am, here I go, watch me and like it or not.

Hello again world

Well it’s rained and it’s sunned and I feel a bit more alive! I feel almost as fresh as I can. I have a new plan, hope, I have let go of some of my major heartstrings that were bringing me down in the past few months. I just had a couple of very emotionally busy weeks. Everything really does always happen at once!

I nearly lost my relationship, which is consequently in a very different place right now, as is my head. I am thinking clearly about my own career, feelings, priorities. I am sorting things out, and feel confident that I’m making the right, sensible, ultimately most rewarding decisions.

Everything happens for a reason. I feel changed. I am not more cynical. I am more free. I can let go of the things that don’t matter. The things that are inevitable. I understand that nothing is forever. I still have feelings, but I can tame them enough to get me through this messy patch into a very good, productive next twelve months.

It’s been two years in the talking but finally I am setting up a theatre company with two good friends from university:

Living the dream. Writing and creating work entirely our own, working for ourselves, doing whatever it is we feel. This is the outlet I need. It will create an arsenal of powerful, useful evidence for me and potential employers/employees, of the creativity I am capable of. And it will be heaps of fun.

I am so looking forward to getting to know these girls even better, and getting to spend more time with them in personal and working environments. I think they are pretty special! I am lucky to have this opportunity.

While we’re on the subject, I LOVE everyone I work with. I have been so incredibly lucky at work since uni and have an amazing group of friends as a result. Go universe.

I’m not sure what else to say at the moment. I’ve been so caught up in tantrums and breakdowns that they consumed me until my head spat them out. Suffice to say, I am feeling pretty good right now.

I have my low days, my periods of confusion. I still need a little support every now and then. So far, you are all being incredibly supportive, thank you. Thanks for letting me do my thing.

Love to you all.