Spot the difference

What do you do when you spot a difference in your tastes? Renounce soul mate status? Can it be that this bond founded on similarities has no hope of being pure and long-lasting if one thing doesn’t fit? How much does it matter? Head answer is obvious – get over it, accept it, adjust and be cynical – nothing is ever one hundred per cent. My heart wants to make it a bit more complicated. Sure my heart wants to get over it too and let it all in. But it feels a bit cheated. Who is this stranger we don’t agree with on everything? Can we possibly get past it if we’re to spend a long time with this person? Do we just reposition them in our minds as slightly less of a match with us, and slightly less important or valid or likeable, or right? Why can’t they sing only to the songs we write?

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5 thoughts on “Spot the difference

  1. omg,THIS! Totally feel ya here. But life is like that honey. You have to be your own person and let all the other stuff fit in around that as you move from moment to moment living out your personality as best you can (and that includes work, partner, level of educational attainment, hobbies and abilities, all of it). I think it’s ultimately about accepting that none of that stuff IS WHO YOU ARE, it makes up the fabric of your life but it will never be able to match your inner-personhood because you are a complicayed little organism and even parts of yourself leave you conflicted at times so how can anything else ever fit completely either? Just love it for what’s good about it and accept it as it is, just as I hope you can do for yourself inside.
    I think you are suffering from the effects of one of the major myths of western society, namely that we are all incomplete without a perfect lovematch. Associated beliefs instruct us that we all deserve this and must be searching for it on some level at all times.This is just not true. We are individuals and we make choices about the situations we place ourselves in on a constant basis, reassessing the situation regarding our current aims and desires. I think that that is natural, and we should always be looking for the things which suit us best at the time beause it benefits all of us to be happy. If you restrict people’s ability to choose and re-choose their partner then you get unhappy (possibly abusive) marriages filled with miserable passive-agressive people. Call me un-romantic, but despite recognising all of this I have chosen and re-chosen the same man for 6 years. We aren’t perfect, but I believe (so far!) that our shared history and intimate understanding of each other is worth something more than any little spats or differences. Mr Fantastic (and you!) should feel priveleged that you keep choosing each other, when the option is open to you not to. So keep it open, because if anything it just proves you love each other more. You can have doubts honey it doesn’t make you a monster, and surely the very reason you are together is to make each other happy so if it TRUELY would make you happier to part then you would have done it already. Just some thoughts.
    xxx

    • Still finding this ‘own person’hood of my own, alongside a different man since this post, but reading back through this is encouraging. I am still striving and for and enjoying the same things, I think. I don’t think I’ve let go of the mindset that I need to be with a partner – that feels pretty innate to me, whether that’s a good or bad thing. Should I be looking to wake up from that? And how? Would I be sacrificing a simpler happiness for something more enlightened but perhaps more lonely? Would there be emptiness in enlightenment? I feel very safe and comfortable where I am at the moment, I wouldn’t choose to change my arrangement. It works out pretty well for me. :) No abuse here. At least, not coming my way :S I’ll just pop my head over the laptop to check he’s still there…

    • I am so sad I didn’t read this sooner! Are you keeping a new blog anywhere else? I love ‘Is it me?’. Especially “… and the lotus is pissed off.” I think the answer to your question about the Sahara desert is probably, sadly, something akin to, “That’s what we do.”

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