I have very little energy right now, I will say a little about a lot. Thursday I went out. I did the usual peak-too-early and then get bored and depressed watching everyone have a good time, get emotional whenever above 3˚C, aggressively refuse help or attention of any kind. I am tired of all the competition. Who is the drunkest, the loudest, the sexiest. Who’s touched most of the present company. I am not good at that game for a reason – it’s a shameful load of crap. However, it gets me down. Female fucking dominance displays. Why can’t we just all be happy together? It’s like being back in primary school telling the two best friends lies about each other and dragging them across the playground just so there’s not someone having a better time of it than you at that moment. Jealous? Take it. Why not, you can after all.
These are things that make me want to die. That familiar insufficient feeling. The noise, the awkwardness. Yes I like to shout sometimes. But I hate thinking I’ve got where I want to be, and then that feeling of getting kicked in the stomach. Wake up, you’re unhappy. Look, Life, right. I don’t like certain things. I like the way I am. So could you leave that alone and stop shoving things in my face that make it seem like none of that gets me anywhere, and that others are always going to win? Cheers.
Friday. Come home to my beau. Fantastic times. Love and smiles. Bit of stress and future uncertainty. Nice chill out. Cup of tea, bath, being read Angela Carter. Big fat grin.
Saturday. Sleep. Movies. House browsing online. Looks like I’m moving away after all. Few crazy hormones, the usual games. Rescue though. Big fat sign of yes in my moment of wah.
Sunday. First acting since probably two years ago. Got to rip people apart and run around and screech like a demon from Hell. Was fun. Had some cereal this morning, some crisps on the way home, and then collapsed at about half 6 till half 9. Crap at this eating-waking game.
Got to wait another week before the doctor can see me. Wanting a blood test because I was off a silly amount last week just sleeping and aching, and had scarily low blood pressure. Messed up my pill reorder again so will be without them for about a week in total. Felt the effects on the second day without, though maybe this is just because I was thinking about it. Either way, tears can’t usually get through and they did this day.
Need to be satisfied with myself and my life, and accept my decisions. Don’t want to leave but know it’s necessary. Worried, of course. Need to stop thinking about death as an easy way out, but it makes too much sense compared to everything else.