Feeling confused and paranoid and easily triggered. Needing a sense of approval. Not quite keeping a secure routine with food and meds. Exercise not really happening. Slept so much on and off over the past few days. Every little activity tires me out. I can do a full busy shift at work, but sitting at home watching an hour-long episode of Generation Kill just wears me out. I have to be constantly engaging all my senses in order to stay up. I feel like Crank.
Missing regular contact with friends, and a sense of independence. Kind of worried about the future, mainly this summer because it’s looming and I have no solid plans yet. Thinking about living with strangers and friends, and how I may not do that ever again. How I may not venture or stray, because I am essentially happy with my boyfriend. I think maybe I’ve been a bit stupid in convincing myself of dissatisfaction with life, hoping for more. Yes it’s bland working this meaningless job and working to live, it’s bleak not having time or energy for what seems to be the point. It all seems attainable but just… doesn’t happen I suppose. All I mean is that I want more time chilling out with friends in fields looking at the sky, I guess. Reading to people, massage, and all those simple pleasures.
Sometimes I see this hunger for meaning as that inevitable, enduring human thirst, that keeps us going. I feel hopeless sometimes. I can’t really organise these thoughts because they go round in circles a lot. I appreciate life, and yet sometimes I think about ending it. I don’t think I could ever go through with it. As someone once said to me, ‘Don’t you think it would just be such a huge waste?’ I know it is always worth going on. But sometimes, when I really can’t grasp the point, the meaning of it all, I tend to give up. I really need some goals that shine out to me like holy grails because I need something massive to keep my sights set on living a long healthy life. I used to worry about second-hand smoke and mind-altering drugs and other things that might affect me in the long term. I never thought I’d get a tattoo. My body was a temple. Etc. I don’t know what I am anymore. Pre-life crisis. How do you begin to live a real life?
- The Question of Life (luna12780.wordpress.com)