Spot the difference

What do you do when you spot a difference in your tastes? Renounce soul mate status? Can it be that this bond founded on similarities has no hope of being pure and long-lasting if one thing doesn’t fit? How much does it matter? Head answer is obvious – get over it, accept it, adjust and be cynical – nothing is ever one hundred per cent. My heart wants to make it a bit more complicated. Sure my heart wants to get over it too and let it all in. But it feels a bit cheated. Who is this stranger we don’t agree with on everything? Can we possibly get past it if we’re to spend a long time with this person? Do we just reposition them in our minds as slightly less of a match with us, and slightly less important or valid or likeable, or right? Why can’t they sing only to the songs we write?

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I have very little energy right now, I will say a little about a lot. Thursday I went out. I did the usual peak-too-early and then get bored and depressed watching everyone have a good time, get emotional whenever above 3˚C, aggressively refuse help or attention of any kind. I am tired of all the competition. Who is the drunkest, the loudest, the sexiest. Who’s touched most of the present company. I am not good at that game for a reason – it’s a shameful load of crap. However, it gets me down. Female fucking dominance displays. Why can’t we just all be happy together? It’s like being back in primary school telling the two best friends lies about each other and dragging them across the playground just so there’s not someone having a better time of it than you at that moment. Jealous? Take it. Why not, you can after all.

These are things that make me want to die. That familiar insufficient feeling. The noise, the awkwardness. Yes I like to shout sometimes. But I hate thinking I’ve got where I want to be, and then that feeling of getting kicked in the stomach. Wake up, you’re unhappy. Look, Life, right. I don’t like certain things. I like the way I am. So could you leave that alone and stop shoving things in my face that make it seem like none of that gets me anywhere, and that others are always going to win? Cheers.

Friday. Come home to my beau. Fantastic times. Love and smiles. Bit of stress and future uncertainty. Nice chill out. Cup of tea, bath, being read Angela Carter. Big fat grin.

Saturday. Sleep. Movies. House browsing online. Looks like I’m moving away after all. Few crazy hormones, the usual games. Rescue though. Big fat sign of yes in my moment of wah.

Sunday. First acting since probably two years ago. Got to rip people apart and run around and screech like a demon from Hell. Was fun. Had some cereal this morning, some crisps on the way home, and then collapsed at about half 6 till half 9. Crap at this eating-waking game.

Got to wait another week before the doctor can see me. Wanting a blood test because I was off a silly amount last week just sleeping and aching, and had scarily low blood pressure. Messed up my pill reorder again so will be without them for about a week in total. Felt the effects on the second day without, though maybe this is just because I was thinking about it. Either way, tears can’t usually get through and they did this day.

Need to be satisfied with myself and my life, and accept my decisions. Don’t want to leave but know it’s necessary. Worried, of course. Need to stop thinking about death as an easy way out, but it makes too much sense compared to everything else.

Hello Master-Miss

For Melissa’s bump

With thanks to Ciéran, Heather, Elissia, Sasha and Abigail

Hello in there little Master-Miss, glad to make your acquaintance. I have some things to tell you that I have worked out over time. First of all let me tell you that you are loved, unconditionally, that’s how it works you see, everybody loves you even before you have a name.

There’s Mummy Melissa, and Daddy Mike. There are Penny and George the doggies who will bark off all the baddies. There are lots and lots of aunties and uncles and friends and people of all shapes and sizes that you will meet in your life who will make you smile and give you hugs and make you feel like the precious little star that you are.

Things and people come and go, happy songs will fill you up. Happy times will stay with you, and warmth will blow out from within you. This is sometimes called farts.

Another thing to mention is that nothing is forever. Forever is a lovely thing, though actually unreal. And everything you do will only be for just right then. It doesn’t matter though, you see, because your memory is there. To keep you warm even without farts, and keep you safe from sadness.

Take what you can from life, Master-Miss, it will give you all it can. Remember to say and do and dance and shout and eat and play just how you like. Be open and accepting, forgive yourself mistakes. Be honest and ready to adapt, enjoy changes within yourself. Ride it all out. Time changes everything except everything you want to keep. You can make this journey whatever you want it to be.

Remember to have fun and try to be the best of you. Make friends, because you will be a great friend and it would be sad to deprive anyone of that privilege. Love your family. They made you with love and will love you more and more the more you love.

All moments and faces are borrowed, whether for long or short times. Look on things lovingly, and like them while you can. Don’t think about endings or goodbyes, but take advantage of every minute. Love yourself and be kind, you are only human, and that is pretty special.

Now, some people may come to you and ask you big fat questions like ‘Why?’ Everyone will have different answers for these questions, and it’s up to you what you’d like to think is true. Mummy and Daddy will have their own ideas, and so will Penny and George. It is important to listen to everyone’s answers, and to decide what feels right in your own head after a big fat think. One thing Mummy and Daddy are sure to think is a reason Why, is to bring you up to love someone.

One more thing before you go, think about superheroes. Think about your special powers, and what can make you one. For example, Mummy is very brave for you to come out of her tummy. For another example, Daddy is SO caring that he will keep you from being scared in the dark by bringing you warm milk and teddies to sleep with. Both of them will feed you yummies and care for your tummy so that you grow big and strong.

So, after all this nattering, there’s one more thing to say. You can think and do what you like, dear bean, and let the rest wash away. Try to be the best of you, have fun, and don’t let fear overtake your life.


Competition In The Quiet

There’s competition in the quiet now
For me it’s all too much
If it was any other way I would resist
point out all the wrong with things
and give the quiet coverage.

Now that it’s how it should be
I think I’m seeing more than I wanted to, really.
If we’re being honest.

It’s all too right and pure
The love’s going in the right direction
And it makes me feel small

I’m less than I thought I was when I was five.

Written listening to this:

There There, Here Here

I want to write about exes right now. Ex-partners. Ex-love interests. Ex-friends. Ex-housemates.

I feel sad to lose touch with people I’m in any kind of relationship with. Obviously some affect you more suddenly or more obviously than others, while some creep up on you over time and tap you on the shoulder now and again when someone updates their Facebook and reminds you how far apart you are. It doesn’t even feel appropriate to comment, or even ‘like’, does it? ‘Like’. The lazy/insecure way to show you kind of want to be in someone’s life, and you kinda like how they roll, but that’s all you have to say about it really.

Well, appropriate it. Make the first move. I believe that if you saw something special in someone to begin with, it usually stays there. Perception changes over time and, listen now, that is about it. We, as people, don’t change much otherwise. Hips and bums come and go, social circles flux, ideas get shuffled around and we adjust. This is life. We, as organisms, have our own solid traits. Trust me, my dad’s a doctor.

The point is this: Personally, I think it’s nice to stay in touch with everyone you’ve had a moment with. Impossible? Sure. But not entirely. If you think about it, I’m sure you can recall a special moment with pretty much everyone in your life. Anyone whose gaze you’ve held for a second, anyone who’s smiled at you, anyone who’s cried on your shoulder, anyone who’s passed you awkwardly getting out of a lift. But. They were special. Right? Just for a moment. The MOMENT… was special. I like that. But I also believe in soulmates. I believe in people containing something special that connects perfectly with other people’s inner pieces (not innuendo, but if you can’t get past this you’re probably about as mature as I am and I appreciate that), and it’s important to adhere to those connections when you find them. If someone looks nice, tell them. If you don’t want to leave, don’t. Be more honest. If you’ve broken up with someone for one reason, don’t make it another. Don’t make things bigger or more unpleasant than they are. Everything is solvable, and understandable. It really is. You are perfectly fine as you are and you will go and do wonderful things with your life.

As I’ve said before, I like to think you can stay in touch. I do think you can. I think you can be civil and make up with anyone at any point in your life. You can even be friends. You can do anything you like, and I am happy to be one of those people who not only speaks to their exes with common decency, but actually holds them in high regard. Sure I’ll moan about them, but only as much as about anyone else, occasionally, and with good intentions. Whatever I saw in them before the relationship evolved, or faded, it didn’t go away. There was some reason I fell for this person, let them in, showed them a certain side of me. And I like to honour those qualities.

Here’s to everyone I used to be close to, those I still speak to and those I don’t. You are on my mind. I will always love you, one way or another.

Is Entertainment Worthwhile?

An article I wrote in 2004, just because the subject interested me. I intended to do a series of big life question-centered pieces, more of which may follow soon.

Film: The Philosopher’s Alcohol?

After watching the film American Beauty and performing in the play Our Country’s Good, I was inspired to write an article attempting to answer the question: ‘Is entertainment a worthwhile aim for the media?’ The media being inclusive, in this case, of all forms of the Arts; from news transmitters such as radio to recreational theatre. I will consider the benefits and disadvantages of the affects entertainment has on society and individuals, and begin to weigh them against each other.

Obviously there are glaring sensitive ethical issues arising from the content and nature of many risqué plays, films, etc. such as copycat crimes as a result of particularly graphic violent scenes in horror movies and stereotypes that originate in one person’s very determined perception, no matter how legitimate. For example, James Bulger, whose murderers imitated the violent actions of a possessed doll in Child’s Play 3. However, this crime was not carried out by the vast remaining number of young boys who endured similar upbringing to these two, and so it seems logical to assume there were other factors behind their anti-social behaviour.

Putting aside the moral take on how far we can consider films of this nature entertainment, the popularity of its entire genre clearly indicates that people do adhere to it as a leisure. It could be argued that feeding this morbid fascination with crime and violence by turning their presentation into a thrilling experience is amoral, although we all have an imagination that was bound not to stop just at what we see in every day life; the action of the film were clearly possible realities and so surely it was something else within the children involved that was at fault, not the way another’s imagination had been carried out in the safety of a Hollywood basement.

It seems obvious that blind imitation is insensible, and that we should take advantage of the opportunity to be individuals. This is why the arts are so valuable; they question reality as we know it, they experiment with theories and occasionally, if they’re anything worth paying attention to, twist common knowledge and change small pieces of our life interpretations by adding new aspects to them. This contemplative effect that anything presented (in clever productions, with confidence) to an audience has on our perception and even thought patterns has to be of incredible value. As Lester claims in American Beauty, “It’s a wonderful thing when you discover that you still have the ability to surprise yourself.” Films that manage to overwhelm you each time you watch them (like this one) are real gems. Considering how desensitized we are today due to the vast, usually crude coverage of life issues by the media, anything that can overcome this and stimulate the mind, to whatever effect (intellectual or emotional, e.g. endorphins being released through laughter), has a valid purpose. Before watching the film Dogma I was unsure of my intellectual strength, but having the theory brought forward that it is better to have ideas than beliefs really assured my confidence that determined direction is not always urgent and I can safely say I haven’t made up my mind on an issue.

Emotional sensitivity to be easily persuaded like this can be perceived as a weakness, although I think this ideology only comes from a generally hostile attitude. This kind of cynicism is, in my opinion, a fatal flaw; the inability to accept or at least stay open to any new ideas is what creates conflict. On top of this, I think the ability of any writer/speaker to have even the smallest overwhelming effect on the audience as that they stop and think about it, deserves praise for acknowledging such rare talent and using it to this extent.

Another strong point towards the value of entertainment is the scientifically proven effect it has on our health. Various measurable states in our bodies are eventually weakened by long periods of depression or bereavement. Conversely, positive moods are known to enhance these methods of protection, therefore allowing us to thrive.

Although stereotypes and identity groups are formed through the media, don’t we need a little competition to keep up our level of motivation? Conflict is generally thought of negatively, but within civilised constraints it is healthy to attempt to better those around us. Without this drive we would fail to ever succeed. If we’re not careful, our social need to flatten out complications in our relationships with others will override our individual desire for achievement and accreditation, and so all successes will be in the past.

Of course the diversity and experimentation that is allowed to take place in the realm of fiction gives us basis for theories to inspire new experience, and so develop on our deeper understanding of whatever area the Arts happen to be dealing with. These foreign topics are usually given some kind of angle according to the director’s opinion, but this can only affect individual perception to a certain extent; everyone takes in something different from what they see and hear. These more questionable issues separate or bring people together, depending on whether they hold their preferences in common or not. We constantly search for traits that we either hold in common with people/admire them for (if we want to develop a good relationship with them), or those that we do not approve of, as excuses for avoiding those we do not care to understand. For example, a character in The Matrix: Reloaded is meant to be seen as decadent, and the director’s interpretation of this was to set him as presiding over a bondage-style dance club. The director’s vision indicates his view on this controversial behavioural tendency, and the way the film is presented leads the audience towards agreeing with him, but there is obviously a cult following behind it that would be affected very differently by watching these scenes.

The media does not impregnate ideas that we would otherwise not have; they merely encourage us to shape these opinions more solidly and dominantly so they are brought out and social development can take place more quickly.