In response to your kind, wise words:
I went to work, not the doctor’s, that’s just how I am. I cannot justify to myself a day spent outside my usual responsibilities, I have never been a wild child and find it hard to prioritise if it means compromising my goody-two-shoes status.
I know I am lucky. I have a lot of really good stuff and circumstance in my life. I hate moaning when I remember all this, but I do it because I feel so sedated that I can’t remember what it feels like to be genuinely excited and passionate and believe there is meaning to our day to day. I can’t stop thinking about the bigger picture in a detached, overwhelmed, lazy way. This has been me for longer than I’ve been calling it by a name, or attempting to treat it.
I am fully aware that I do this to myself and that I am here because, somehow, I want to be. I don’t know why that is but it’s a need. A dietary requirement to feel low. It’s in my chemistry. This is not a plea for help because I respect every emotion that goes through my mind and want to give them all the space and time they need. I have my ups and downs and all that jazz. I hate the phrases I’m using these days. I feel very compartmented. I am really so much more of a real person than that. I think there is more to life than trying to fix problems. Some things seen as problems are not, they are just nature, and I appreciate everything that’s happening to me in a way. I wouldn’t change my life for anything. Despite my days of reading Girl Talk and Shout, I have never truly wished I was anyone else or had done anything differently.
I know that it’s scary and dramatic to say I’m thinking about hurting myself, but in all honesty, everything I say must be taken with a pinch of salt. I am always honest, but it was merely a feeling. An urge. Energy coursed through me and I needed to stab something. That’s the only way to describe it. I don’t think I will ever be of the mind to actually carry out such things, though it is perfectly natural to feel that anger from time to time. Thus I would feel wrong repeating such thoughts to the doctor, who I am sure would have me referred to men in white coats not a second after the words were issued. I know the checklists they use. I know the keywords they prick their ears at. I would not be so contentious as to abuse that. I am playing my life by ear, while taking their advice at the same time.
Please know you are not powerless. Any one of you. Every message has an affect on me and I really do appreciate it, even if I don’t have the energy or the words to express that every time. I am always here for you too, and I know I can count on you.
I will also always be sceptical of medicals, not least because my dad once mistook my dislocated shoulder for a mild bruise because I wasn’t ‘screaming in agony’. I’m a tough cookie, pops.
Hard as I try to avoid it since another wise friend from uni advised me, I do have expectations of people. I realise when they are or aren’t met. I feel dissatisfied when they are met because I think I should have been more ambitious. It breaks my heart to say it but this probably means I will never be happy in any relationships because I feel that whenever I attain something, it is not quite what it should be, or it was too easy, etc. However, I am still constantly amazed by and in love with people. I guess this is the contradiction kicking in.
To follow… Reasons to Be Cheerful: Part 1, inspired mainly by points 8 & 9 of the Kali guide to a healthy mind. This superhero will be wearing her delicates on the outside very soon (that of course being how one evokes one’s powers.)
Thank you all for thinking and responding. I am still in a very smudgey place but I will respond properly in time, I promise. I will show life what I’m all about, in full. Ask me direct questions, it’s the only way to be sure to get to me at the moment.