Diary 49

In response to your kind, wise words:

I went to work, not the doctor’s, that’s just how I am. I cannot justify to myself a day spent outside my usual responsibilities, I have never been a wild child and find it hard to prioritise if it means compromising my goody-two-shoes status.

I know I am lucky. I have a lot of really good stuff and circumstance in my life. I hate moaning when I remember all this, but I do it because I feel so sedated that I can’t remember what it feels like to be genuinely excited and passionate and believe there is meaning to our day to day. I can’t stop thinking about the bigger picture in a detached, overwhelmed, lazy way. This has been me for longer than I’ve been calling it by a name, or attempting to treat it.

I am fully aware that I do this to myself and that I am here because, somehow, I want to be. I don’t know why that is but it’s a need. A dietary requirement to feel low. It’s in my chemistry. This is not a plea for help because I respect every emotion that goes through my mind and want to give them all the space and time they need. I have my ups and downs and all that jazz. I hate the phrases I’m using these days. I feel very compartmented. I am really so much more of a real person than that. I think there is more to life than trying to fix problems. Some things seen as problems are not, they are just nature, and I appreciate everything that’s happening to me in a way. I wouldn’t change my life for anything. Despite my days of reading Girl Talk and Shout, I have never truly wished I was anyone else or had done anything differently.

I know that it’s scary and dramatic to say I’m thinking about hurting myself, but in all honesty, everything I say must be taken with a pinch of salt. I am always honest, but it was merely a feeling. An urge. Energy coursed through me and I needed to stab something. That’s the only way to describe it. I don’t think I will ever be of the mind to actually carry out such things, though it is perfectly natural to feel that anger from time to time. Thus I would feel wrong repeating such thoughts to the doctor, who I am sure would have me referred to men in white coats not a second after the words were issued. I know the checklists they use. I know the keywords they prick their ears at. I would not be so contentious as to abuse that. I am playing my life by ear, while taking their advice at the same time.

Please know you are not powerless. Any one of you. Every message has an affect on me and I really do appreciate it, even if I don’t have the energy or the words to express that every time. I am always here for you too, and I know I can count on you.

I will also always be sceptical of medicals, not least because my dad once mistook my dislocated shoulder for a mild bruise because I wasn’t ‘screaming in agony’. I’m a tough cookie, pops.

Hard as I try to avoid it since another wise friend from uni advised me, I do have expectations of people. I realise when they are or aren’t met. I  feel dissatisfied when they are met because I think I should have been more ambitious. It breaks my heart to say it but this probably means I will never be happy in any relationships because I feel that whenever I attain something, it is not quite what it should be, or it was too easy, etc. However, I am still constantly amazed by and in love with people. I guess this is the contradiction kicking in.

To follow… Reasons to Be Cheerful: Part 1, inspired mainly by points 8 & 9 of the Kali guide to a healthy mind. This superhero will be wearing her delicates on the outside very soon (that of course being how one evokes one’s powers.)

Thank you all for thinking and responding. I am still in a very smudgey place but I will respond properly in time, I promise. I will show life what I’m all about, in full. Ask me direct questions, it’s the only way to be sure to get to me at the moment.

6 thoughts on “Diary 49

  1. Oh well as long as you’re “happy” (wrong word but you know what I mean.)

    A walk in a field, oily fish 2 or 3 times a week and a cup of St. John’s Wort tea wouldn’t do you any harm though.

    Take care


    • I grow st johns wort for my nervous tendencies. It’s not a cure but like the other poster said it certainly lightens your mood. I personally feel music, st johns wort & tons of vitemin C gets me thru the day, drink water & cranberry juice. But writing your thorts down like ur doing would be good to put things in to perspective. Long walks & watching wildlife seems to get me thru the hardest times.

  2. Whilst we’re talking of my Goddess-Avatar I am reminded that she is a very inspirational figure who is worth considering, in times of destructive energy and reflective calm alike. Sometimes you have to stomp on a few heads and take a necklace of ears for the power of Good, and sometimes you have to be the nurturing mother-of-the-world to whom we will all return and be at one in the dark. Both those things are in you, that’s why the embodiment of Kali exists in Hindu culture. Its why she is an aspect of one God and has many aspects herself, polytheism recognises the multiplicity of human beings and how different parts of our psyche have complex relationships with each other. That can be very comforting. Even to a heathen pig like me!
    Maybe you should find your own patron Goddess, a figure that you can dissect and analyse to give your own character a break. A true nature to aspire to, it does good things. And no-one before will see that figure exactly as you do, however ancient they are. It is a personal relationship that can’t let you down and you also won’t worry about rejection or not fulfilling your part because it is detached and controlled entirely by you.
    As for never being happy, well, no-one ever is. We are just wired that way, as soon as we have one thing we want we look for several others to replace that motivation, C’est la vie cherie. Expecations are just B-A-D, they never get you anywhere but down, eliminate them!
    Namaste dost-ji xx

  3. Also whilst it may not give me any special powers it is a particular pleasure of mine to wear my delicates where they can be appreciated, a good corset and a painted face can give you one helluva spring in your step!

  4. i liked your writing… this mood sounds so familiar…

    when i was 14 i got an award about reviewing the book ‘prozak nation’.

    then prob i had only a glimpse that i’ll need to deal with these extremes ups and downs myself and big achievements would not give satisfaction, joy and self-love.

    it’s frustrating feeling to know that you might have hundreds things to say thank you for what you have and people, who stand by your side, but your mind still fixing on some dark spot, lingering.

    is it just chemical, manifesting past trauma, attitude, inherited or sin, i dont know…

    but i am trying to learn to look with compassion and humility to my own hunger and dispair and fall in love with that imperfect self.

  5. It’s strange what turns me around. It’s usually tiny things like a stranger’s smile, or the approval of a child. I don’t think hunting professional achievements would help me really. Apparently it’s all just distraction. Distraction from what though? Do I really have to go back and SORT OUT every moment of confusion in my past to move forward in life? Can I not watch tv and work a lot and that be just what I do? Okay so that sounds stupid. I want more than that. But it tires me out looking back to try and dig out pain to heal. I think that’s partly a massive load of shit.

    I know that chemically, medication has made a difference. There are physical things I can do about my state of mind. But what about the tiger at my back? What about the fundamental thought that life is too much/not enough? That I am insignificant and futile? That I will be doing this same crap for the rest of my life? What about that? I don’t think that came from the kitten on the stairs, or my dad, or my mum, or any kind of early drug abuse, or even a sparkling intellect. I am no extraordinary being, but I feel all these things. Riddle me that, Doc. I love myself and life, I do, but what.is.thefuckingpoint.

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