I start to rely on people again as soon as I feel that delicate feeling creeping back. I panic slowly, thinking ten times over the implications of each emotional urge and getting overwhelmed yet again. Cried on my drive home again tonight, actually sobbing like a child making it hard to see. I feel a breath away from becoming an angry ex-girlfriend. I feel trapped and stunted and unable to please anyone and disappointed in myself and the world. Do all relationships die? Do any last longer than this? Are friends just temporary? Because if I have to do all this over again each year, I really fail to see the point. Fresh start, new friends, new name, new place, new boyfriend, new feelings and catchphrases. Time, familiar feelings, more of the old heartbreak reaffirming enduring neuroses about life, people and my psyche. Am I doomed because I choose to see it this way or because it is this way? Who cares which one it is, when it makes me feel like this? I actually feel like driving a knife through my arm. This is new. I don’t feel safe with my boyfriend anymore and I don’t feel sane. I feel it is unfair to ask him to bear with me any longer and I am not even trying very hard at that anymore. I just want to be able to cry in private, stab something, forget all the hateful feelings that rise up every time someone insignificant makes a careless but deeply offensive remark, and try to see my life as something elevated from the situation I feel so stuck in right now. I’m sorry but I don’t want to kid myself. I don’t want any pink glasses. I want nothingness. I am convinced I will always be alone because I will never get it entirely right with another person and I will NEVER know what the right thing to do is for myself. I do not want to be kept alive but away from sharp objects. I don’t want to go on a list but I want peace. I need major change or you are going to lose me. For real. I am starting to experience a new kind of energy and it’s not good. I feel like a different side of me is taking over, parts of me are shifting positions, and right now all I can think about is that knife in my arm.