Hello old friend

Having a familiar dip. Almost let me forget what it was like. Since a few seconds ago. It just all got to me. The undertones of shame and paranoia are sneaking back onto the stage and already, so suddenly, I am changed and exhausted of talking and engaging and being awake, being me. It is like there is a big black dog biting the scruff of my neck, pulling my throat tight and stifling me, making me feel suffocated, powerless and guilty.

Suddenly I am crippled from all social interaction, even current, my voice shuts off, my inner Nothing takes over. I have nothing, no tools, no comment, no clue, no desire for anything. No breath in me. Like I’ve been winded. I can’t even articulate it in writing.

I shut down emotionally, my sympathy goes, my sense of humour, my energy for quips and small talk, my manners.

I feel ashamed and reserved and remember all the times anyone has had to ask me to repeat myself. The times I was wrong about men, or signals. The times I hurt my pets. Amazing how much you can remember when you want to.

I am sorry I don’t write on this every day, and I am sorry I haven’t written anything good enough by commercial standards, i.e. those of the people who ‘matter’. I am sorry Darcy, that you are wasting your time feeling sorry for yourself. I would give you a slap but I can’t be fucked.

Taking comfort in the sweetness of transience. Knowing I’m wasting my life, but at least… Tomorrow is new. Wishing I could go back to the time when I could at least kid myself I might ever go to those colourful parties full of love and dyed hair and painted faces and love in abundance. I still have my dreams, and music. ‘Union Blanket’ by Fruit Bats is getting me through tonight.

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3 thoughts on “Hello old friend

  1. Sunshine and St. John’s wort – that’s one hell of a kick up the bum, if on can be bothered to get those two things within a week you’ll be able to use exercise and positive thinking to make the quagmire of depression a winter memory far away in the past. Trust me, I know! x

  2. As someone who has lived with depression for more than 20years I know exactly how you’re feeling, and if there is one thing I can tell you it’s to never apologise for how you’re feeling. You have nothing to apologise for. The true people who ‘matter’ will stand by you and give you all the time and space you need to get back into the light.

    I no longer take medication for my black clouds, I let them come and allow them time to pass, and they always do. Stay strong and always believe in yourself. xx

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