Having a familiar dip. Almost let me forget what it was like. Since a few seconds ago. It just all got to me. The undertones of shame and paranoia are sneaking back onto the stage and already, so suddenly, I am changed and exhausted of talking and engaging and being awake, being me. It is like there is a big black dog biting the scruff of my neck, pulling my throat tight and stifling me, making me feel suffocated, powerless and guilty.
Suddenly I am crippled from all social interaction, even current, my voice shuts off, my inner Nothing takes over. I have nothing, no tools, no comment, no clue, no desire for anything. No breath in me. Like I’ve been winded. I can’t even articulate it in writing.
I shut down emotionally, my sympathy goes, my sense of humour, my energy for quips and small talk, my manners.
I feel ashamed and reserved and remember all the times anyone has had to ask me to repeat myself. The times I was wrong about men, or signals. The times I hurt my pets. Amazing how much you can remember when you want to.
I am sorry I don’t write on this every day, and I am sorry I haven’t written anything good enough by commercial standards, i.e. those of the people who ‘matter’. I am sorry Darcy, that you are wasting your time feeling sorry for yourself. I would give you a slap but I can’t be fucked.
Taking comfort in the sweetness of transience. Knowing I’m wasting my life, but at least… Tomorrow is new. Wishing I could go back to the time when I could at least kid myself I might ever go to those colourful parties full of love and dyed hair and painted faces and love in abundance. I still have my dreams, and music. ‘Union Blanket’ by Fruit Bats is getting me through tonight.