Laid to rest, for now, my hungry heart. Happy puppy hours promise but tease. I need some joy but I can’t bring myself to it yet. Today was awful. Awful people, awful time dragging, awful comments and awful awkward moments. Awful feelings. Relapse into an almost panic attack last night, and a big bout of staring at the bigger picture until I felt like a minnow in the ocean. Why am I here, etc. I’m not looking for answers or asking anyone to save me. I’m just wiped out and embarrassed. This thing isn’t going away any time soon. I need to readdress the counselling situation. Maybe. I’m sick of moaning. Starting to drop again. Still thinking about death and escape. Feeling weak and teary more than the past month or so, at least once a day. Maybe it’s just Wednesday.
All I really want to say today is to cinema goers. Use your fucking eyes. We put the signs there for you, not for shits and giggles. Use your p’s and q’s, we are not your naughty pets. Tell us what you want instead of staring at us like we are empty heads, expecting us to read your mind, and getting angry when we somehow don’t. Don’t think your jokes are funny if they’re about our jobs. Yes we are paid minimum wage. No it doesn’t get us anywhere. Yes we are better than this and it breaks our hearts every single day. I have a good degree in Theatre and English Literature for fuck’s sake. Have a little respect. If you don’t want to be there, don’t. I didn’t ask you to come, and I don’t appreciate your jibes at my being there just for your sake. There are plenty more cunts waiting behind you, so if you’d hurry up and choose which size coke works out best for your horse-faced family, that would be a little bit of nice. I think you’d be doing your good deed for the day. In case you didn’t get the sum of those parts, WE ARE PEOPLE TOO, WE DO MORE THAN SERVE POPCORN, WE ARE BETTER EDUCATED AND WELL-MANNERED THAN THE MAJORITY OF YOU, SO GROW UP AND REALISE YOU’RE IN PUBLIC AND IT’S TIME TO ACT LIKE A HUMAN BEING. Besides, it could be you doing this one day. Everyone has their gaps. And no, I do not think like this because I’ve worked in the public sector, like one of those charities that are set up solely because a relative died, of something natural and unavoidable. I am like this because my parents had a fucking clue. ‘Why don’t you leave?’ I hear you ask. One, I like my job. Two, I love the staff. I just don’t like you. Three, GLOBAL RECESSION. Not everyone always has a choice anymore, regardless of their CV. I can deal with it, I just wish you could.
One more thing, Chris, you got me through tonight. Thank you.