Living my life through hand me down advice. Trying. Waiting. Playing martyr. I wish I could shut my eyes tighter, deeper, blacker. Not feel my dressing gown, this sofa, not even remember the colours through the window in front of me. Shut down my mind. Shut down completely for a while. I feel like I have nothing left to give. I fail to see the point in anything. What am I waiting for? I’d give anything to be strangled by a friend because I can’t bring myself to end it but that’s purely for the physical reasons. I just want to escape. I feel restless and overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I am bored and tired with everything, including myself. I am Jack’s raging relapse. Even my mentor is back on pills again. Why do we bother? I want to just disappear. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied with life or myself. I need to yearn, need the drama, the unrequited, unsolvable. I expected so much more from life, and from me. Why?
I’m not interested in saving myself today. Even all the healing music is jarring with my soul. It’s like I can’t let any good in. I feel at odds with myself, my relationship, my job, my friends, my house, who I am supposed to be. I am so confused as to what other people see me as. How can they accept it if it’s anything like how I see myself? A moany mess.
I feel I am slipping into new psychoses; for the first time I feel certain I am having flash hallucinations of people and objects, only for split seconds but very definite visions. I have reverted back to a very egocentric perspective and can only think about myself and my own behaviour, and it shows more and more because I find it harder to keep face. I am getting more and more lucid dreams every night. They blend into my waking life and I have less grip on reality now than ever. What a waste of time.
Due back at the doctor’s in nine days. Counselling (finally) starts in eight days. Not sure I have anything to say to them anymore. I am sick of the sound of all this.
I think I’m hoping someone will read all this blog and either notice me and give me a publishing deal, or offer the help they know I need.