Popcorn Overwhelmed

Two set breakfasts served daily between 7am-1pm. #1: Honey waffles, cup of tea, milk and one, GMTV. #2: Mercilon – desogestrel 150 micrograms & ethinylestradiol 20 micrograms, Fluoxetine 20g, Nurofen – sadly none, wealthy portion of developing agoraphobia.

Tired with everything. Bad sleep pattern this week and no exercise. This is the thirty-fifth diary-style entry I have written and I have nothing to say. I am struggling with trying to be a healthy, happy human and at the same time trying to alleviate feelings of jealousy and difficulties communicating in my relationship. I feel like I am doing everything I can and still failing to please anyone, least of all myself, though that comes last. I need some answers on how to be decent, what to say and when, to make everything okay. All I want is to relax and get the most out of all my relationships. This has always been important to me, but I feel like I am finally recognising it as a high priority.

I wonder what picture they’d choose to show on the news if I went missing.

Today I got hiccups again. I feel like I could hold my breath until I died.

Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode from all the things I can’t express, to people I care about, or about life, about how I feel within myself. Life continues to be overwhelming. Still no more panic attacks, though vague hints of the same feeling arising at work occasionally. Breakdown two nights ago after arguing with my boyfriend. Felt like I was hitting a brick wall, and had brought to life all the fears I constantly bring up that he dismisses, such as putting him off me one way or another. Ok now. I know we’re strong really, but I am still such a mess, and he is so young. I don’t know what’s real right now. I take comfort in musical escape, guided by friends with kind suggestions.

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