Most people get scared their friends are gonna catch them naked in the showers on some field trip or something, take a picture, have a laugh, they’ll bond. I am scared still listening to a song I really like through headphones in case someone comes into the house without me hearing, and just looks round the door at me dancing, and then kills me.
I’m in another delicate, obsessive, unsettled state. I’m physically exhausted but I can’t shut my head up, my thoughts are tripping over themselves as usual. I was anxious at work today. Had my first cigarette in a long time, put it out after a few seconds. Felt like I was dangerously close to other cars on the drive in, and couldn’t see very far in the thick fog on the way back. I nearly panicked a couple of times on roundabouts, and when the police van in front of me did a weird signalling thing just because they couldn’t find their turn. At least I’m assuming I hallucinated the flashing blue lights when I carried on past them. They weren’t visible long enough to determinate that really, and I can’t decide whether they just gave up because they wouldn’t be able to see me (it was so bad I could barely see them when they were about two hundred yards in front of me, so I actually thought for a while that it would be better to hang back so we weren’t in each other’s vision, in case I messed up and got arrested, or in case they pulled me over for one of my headlights being dim.) I convince myself of things like this all the time. I have this constant paranoia about being followed.
Far, far too many thoughts at once right now. Don’t know how or if I will ever decide to discipline myself into healthy, constructive behaviour. Don’t know if I want to. That’s the biggest obstacle. Feel a complete mess today. Can’t remember anything I’ve just heard or written, seconds ago. Nothing makes sense. I don’t want to acknowledge some of the thoughts buzzing round. Has anyone ever heard the saying about waitresses that however many tables they’re attending, they have to be that many different waitresses, to cater for all the different customers’ personalities? Well, I feel like I have one too many waitresses in here, and yet I only seem to physically manifest one, who is pretty useless because she’s so slow, dealing with all the others inside her, trying to even hear a glimpse of something recognisable in the mess of noise and blur.
One saving grace of today; I think I have figured out what makes me tick, musically – anything with a rhythm that absolutely fits my body and forces me to move because it feels one hundred per cent right. Example, ‘Summertime Clothes’ by Animal Collective. Don’t know why (well, now I do), but it just gets to me. Chemically.