Progress progress

Listening to Grizzly Bear. Thank you friend. Still having lucid dreams but not waking up early enough to have them close to hand anymore. I am lying in and never wanting to get up or do anything. I spent most of this weekend in bed, only getting up for a few hours to have a family meal. The other day I felt a panic attack coming on at work for the first time in at least a month. It didn’t come to fruition, but it was scary enough. Last night I freaked out because I realised I won’t have my boyfriend for a full day in at least three weeks, because of his assessments and such. I started to panic again that this is what I’m really in for, the long run may prove no different and I may always be waiting for him, playing out the sad old movie of the deserted housewife. It isn’t that I don’t think he loves me or doesn’t want to spend time with me. He just isn’t here. We are essentially carrying out a long distance relationship, and I never knew what I was signing up for. I want him to know I am committed to it, and I am sorry for using it in arguments in unintentionally uncool ways, against the rules, making it seem like I’m waiting for it to go wrong. I am not. I said some things I shouldn’t have, knowing again that it would be taken more seriously than I intended, but still needed to say them because it’s what I was feeling. I hate doing this to myself and to him. I am not fixed. When I choose to be with someone it’s to be with them, see them, touch them, hear their voice, cuddle, do things together. It feels like I make it up sometimes. I want him to know he does right by me and that this feeling isn’t his fault, but still convey to him (because he is my best friend, after all) that I’m down because I miss him, and this is a good thing, a thing of love! But here I am breaking us down again. Feeling awkward after a night crying and making him feel guilty, not knowing whether to send him messages about my trivial thoughts during the day as usual. Will they cheer him up or make it seem like I’m grovelling?

I still need help. I was starting to feel the benefits of the meds but I am not there yet. I need my friends.

I think I never get anything done because everything overwhelms me so much that I want to concentrate hard on each thing, and maybe build it up more than I should, but feel there is not the time deserved to spend, like read that book or watch that film. I am pushing everything worthwhile to the sides while I sit at home and deal only with comedy I don’t care about, snack foods, temporaries. The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama sits next to me, intimidating me.

I feel no creative flow. My head is an absolute mess. It is all I can do to get these sentences down right now.

I have left my creative second job for the time being, perhaps to go back ocassionally as a volunteer, but the pressure was too much for me right now. I am aware I am destroying myself, but doesn’t it feel so right.

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