My love 18

I am: 22, alone, lost, behind. Keep hitting my head on my sloping wall, keep bursting into hiccups trying to keep up with your habits like fizzy drinks. I need to re-evaluate my priorities, my values, what makes me me. I am kind of blinded by having you, it’s such a rarity for me to be with anyone (or it feels like it, in my perfectionist head where if I was any sort of ‘relationship person’ I’d have been married since I was sixteen! I know this is silly and really I am utterly that person because I’ve loved everyone I’ve been with, I don’t indulge in flings. I guess I do forget the periods of happiness in my life sometimes and focus on the lonely times. I’m not naturally this depressive.)
I have a thousand things running through my head at once sometimes, in a certain mode, like when the snow hits my face and wakes me up, and I just feel like I should run home and write a story. So I’ll write one to you…
Last night was hard. Work. I did feel a rift between us then, I felt the swearing and cutting and hated every minute of it. A loving couple shouldn’t treat each other that way. On my part I am sorry I judged the amount you drank, it is not my place in any way, and no, you weren’t as bad as I thought at all. And yes, you were loving, and you opened your heart to me, which I love. I can’t tell you how important that is to me. I think it does open you up to more hurt from me, you are fragile in that state and perhaps I could be more tender, more loving in return. I lose patience sometimes, I don’t know why, it’s just a recognition, and an apology. I don’t know how I could have dealt with our rift last night, and I’m sorry it never really resolved even though we came back together. I do want to talk to you, I do want to sort things out. I just have to take a deep breath and take time to gather my thoughts to voice things properly. Last night all I could think about was that you were going to say something else that I wouldn’t understand and wouldn’t be able to appease, and my frustration built to cut you down at each new line. That wasn’t your fault, and I’m sorry.
I KNOW you just want us to be alright, I know. It’s just that sometimes we subconsciously want other things. Diversions. At least we subconsciously eke them out. For the release of tension, or whatever reason. That’s no one’s fault either, it’s just something that happens, sometimes it takes more toll on you than milder times.
Please know, aside the waves of hormones, emotion, mental fidgetiness, I am here for you. I chose you, I like you, I love you, you are a good friend to me that I am not prepared to lose. We do have our hard times, but believe me, I hope to ease them. We are worth, and capable of, smooth sailing. I love you.


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