Day Twenty-two

All I want to hear anymore is ‘That’s okay.’ I think I hear it too much, because I am slipping so far down into a hedonistic rabbit hole that I am sabotaging all my opportunities. I fill myself with dread at the thought of doing something great so far that I opt out for fear of not doing a good enough job on anything. I think the reason I haven’t read a full book in so long is that I am so frightened of there not being enough time to read all the good books ever written, that I don’t want to pick up the wrong one and waste time in my mistake. Reading is one of my all-time favourite hobbies, and it terrifies me. The only things I have powered through are the self-help books recommended to me in the last few months, probably both because they are written in easy sections for the incessantly impatient, like me, and also they fit into a themed project I have set for myself. I miss having deadlines and essays and university assessments, meeting targets, fitting briefs, etc. I need a new A+, and perhaps my new one is fixing myself. I scan-read exercises and advice and passively reject most suggestions by just forgetting about them and saying, “Mmm, that’s a really good idea.” I need a massive kick up the arse and I can do it for myself, I just don’t want to get better, in a way. I need a rest. I am reminded of the warning undertones of The Bell Jar, which does worry me, and when have I ever recognised my dangerous inaction and actually stopped it before it’s too late? I am one for leaving things until there is no choice. I hate making decisions. I would be grateful, almost, if I got fired from my job just to be forced to find something better. However, I have looked tirelessly and there is nothing better within reach at the moment, so I carry on as if I care about ice cream expiration dates and the crunchiness of the popcorn I serve in incredibly oversized, overpriced portions.

The past two weeks I have been sleeping like a baby. At a certain time of night my body simply shuts down and there is no lee-way, I get exhausted so quickly I feel sick if I don’t go straight to bed. The other day I had two nosebleeds, seemingly without triggers. Days eleven-fourteen I started dribbling a little without noticing, only a little, but a bit. Last week my eyes were very sensitive to bright light. Today is day twenty-two. Seven days till I go back to the doctor for a chat and probably a repeat prescription. I feel the pills are taking effect and I am more balanced and able to function, if a bit lethargic. I am grateful of the rest from the panic attacks – I have not really had any major ones since the start of the medication, except for a short bout of overemotional reaction a few days ago. I feel free to express my own needs and dreams and make my own plans, though these are still taking baby steps. I feel okay just sitting at home at the moment. In my comfort zone. I can see how easily sufferers of panic disorders can develop into agoraphobics. It’s so nice and warm in here.


One thought on “Day Twenty-two

  1. Oi missus! You do realise that that is how most of the world feels most of the time don’t you? Not to trample on your feelings of uniqueness but the number one prime reason for people not doing stuff is fear of failure and the humiliation of not being good enough. I am exactly the same, and so are most people I know, you just have to stop that mindset from crippling you. Gah, my fingers are too cold to type out all the things which are wrong with that point of view, I’m going to have to ring you….

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