All I want to hear anymore is ‘That’s okay.’ I think I hear it too much, because I am slipping so far down into a hedonistic rabbit hole that I am sabotaging all my opportunities. I fill myself with dread at the thought of doing something great so far that I opt out for fear of not doing a good enough job on anything. I think the reason I haven’t read a full book in so long is that I am so frightened of there not being enough time to read all the good books ever written, that I don’t want to pick up the wrong one and waste time in my mistake. Reading is one of my all-time favourite hobbies, and it terrifies me. The only things I have powered through are the self-help books recommended to me in the last few months, probably both because they are written in easy sections for the incessantly impatient, like me, and also they fit into a themed project I have set for myself. I miss having deadlines and essays and university assessments, meeting targets, fitting briefs, etc. I need a new A+, and perhaps my new one is fixing myself. I scan-read exercises and advice and passively reject most suggestions by just forgetting about them and saying, “Mmm, that’s a really good idea.” I need a massive kick up the arse and I can do it for myself, I just don’t want to get better, in a way. I need a rest. I am reminded of the warning undertones of The Bell Jar, which does worry me, and when have I ever recognised my dangerous inaction and actually stopped it before it’s too late? I am one for leaving things until there is no choice. I hate making decisions. I would be grateful, almost, if I got fired from my job just to be forced to find something better. However, I have looked tirelessly and there is nothing better within reach at the moment, so I carry on as if I care about ice cream expiration dates and the crunchiness of the popcorn I serve in incredibly oversized, overpriced portions.
The past two weeks I have been sleeping like a baby. At a certain time of night my body simply shuts down and there is no lee-way, I get exhausted so quickly I feel sick if I don’t go straight to bed. The other day I had two nosebleeds, seemingly without triggers. Days eleven-fourteen I started dribbling a little without noticing, only a little, but a bit. Last week my eyes were very sensitive to bright light. Today is day twenty-two. Seven days till I go back to the doctor for a chat and probably a repeat prescription. I feel the pills are taking effect and I am more balanced and able to function, if a bit lethargic. I am grateful of the rest from the panic attacks – I have not really had any major ones since the start of the medication, except for a short bout of overemotional reaction a few days ago. I feel free to express my own needs and dreams and make my own plans, though these are still taking baby steps. I feel okay just sitting at home at the moment. In my comfort zone. I can see how easily sufferers of panic disorders can develop into agoraphobics. It’s so nice and warm in here.
- How to Handle Panic Attacks (everydayhealth.com)