23.12.09

Still not liking food, or enjoying cups of tea. Feeling nauseous throughout the day, strongest just after my pill and followed by heavy drowsiness from about 2pm onwards, making evening shifts at work increasingly hard and yet somehow they seem to pass me by undetected. My eyes have been quite bad for the past few days, I’ve noticed, I think I need to have them tested again. I feel half asleep, it’s like I’m not really here. Nothing counts, nothing matters. I’m waking up at 8:30am every day, which is weird because I’m working lates, but good because I don’t like sleeping through the day and missing the short stints of winter sunshine. The days loom though, I feel ready to wake up but already bored, knowing I have nothing to do until 4 when I have to leave for work. I’m getting increasingly impatient with the radio and my diminishing number of stations. I hear the same songs over and over each day, skipping through when something I can’t bear to hear again comes on, only to hear what has just been played elsewhere. I don’t make the effort to dig out my mp3 player though, and find the cable and all that, so I can have my own playlist. I never see the point in making the effort on something if it’s just for me. That’s why Christmas is so much fun, it’s for everyone else. I’m enjoying my musical education from a good friend who knows all under the sun. I suppose the meds are starting to kick in, because I do feel sad but it’s nowhere near as strong today, and I just feel kind of bored. This is better, for now. I’m going to have to do something about the eating though. I’m just eating whatever I fancy at the moment because it’s so fleeting that I get a craving for something that I have to grab the chance. It feels strange to be organised for the first time, all my shopping is done and wrapped and I have absolutely nothing to do until tomorrow, when the family come and I have to pretend to be happy. No one wants to hear about this kind of illness. It’s not appropriate to be sad for no reason. I think my boyfriend’s excitement has gone from our relationship. I have hit my old trend of trying too hard, and fear I am boring him. That smarts. Maybe I make things too easy. If I were any more mysterious or unavailable I’m sure he would get so jealous that he would give up and leave me. We destroy each other, really, but I will never tire of it.

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One thought on “23.12.09

  1. Ditto to all except the actual things you do, but the emotional state, except the relationship stuff is the same, only I can’t even be bothered about seeking medication or medicinal help in anyway. Christmas was… and now a new year beckons, only I have no enthusiasm for it, feel no inspiration to try and change anything, I just have nothing going on in me.

    Darcy, you seem so much more clued up than me at the moment, at least you have an insatiable desire in the possible destruction of you and yours. Me I have no desire, no dreams, nothing. I am just destructive to everyone around me and the only thing my imagination conjures for me at present is images of me going completely off the rails and destroying everyone and everything around me. No doubt I will just continue my public fascade and just keep on trucking despite everything. I haven’t the courage to change, to stay the same, or end it all, I am the antipathy of cowardice. C’est La Vie.

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