It’s so hard wearing your smell and knowing how your body feels, when I can’t have it up against mine. I know your feet are way off down there somewhere, your head is resting facing mine, your hip is under my right leg. Always the right.
I have so many thoughts running round my head at once all the time, all relevant, all vying for a place in my messages to you, but I get behind myself and get caught up thinking about what I want to say to you rather than just saying it. I guess I do that when we’re together too. I owe you more. I hope you get some of it from my letters.
I love running my fingers over your tattoos, because it feels nice anyway and because it reminds me of something about you. It’s like a fascination, I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
I love it when you put your arms around me and hold my shoulders tight because that makes me feel loved and warm and safe and comfortable all in one, and the deeper it is the more I know you love me. It’s like I want to get deeper in everything with you, I want to know you deeper and be a deeper presence in your life. I want to have a deeper understanding of everything you care about or enjoy. Wrestling, drugs, music, Lowlands. I want to learn.
I’d really like to stop creating arguments out of nowhere and ending up being dramatic or silly and shouting or crying and just being pathetic. I know this sounds weird, but I almost love those moments too, I guess they’re the most interesting in a way because we’re both being so stupid and complex and doing the opposite to what we want for whatever reason, and then I crumble even more and beg you to be on my side again. I hope you know this when I tell you now, that I feel so tight in those moments when I’m not talking to you, I’m dying to say all these things to you but don’t know which one is right and which will make you love me more, which is what I really feel, which will make us the perfect long-lasting couple who are simple and honest and deal with their problems in a straightforward way. I don’t just want to do what others expect of me, like you tell me I shouldn’t, I do want to make my needs heard and deal with them together in harmony with yours. I just don’t always know what I need. Except, always, I need you to love me and put your arms around me and tell me it’s ok. I need you to be strong for me sometimes. I’m not so good at that. Please know I feel it. Today I was desperate to hold onto you and feel you holding my shoulders and lie down with you, just for a few minutes. That’s my favourite part of any day. The days without that aren’t worth getting up for.
One thing I really love about us, what makes me feel proud and happy is that our song is Dizzee Rascal and Calvin Harris. What could be more honest and carefree? I love that, I love you, I love dancing and that fits us like a glove. I hope we have lots of songs and lots of dances.