23.12.09

Still not liking food, or enjoying cups of tea. Feeling nauseous throughout the day, strongest just after my pill and followed by heavy drowsiness from about 2pm onwards, making evening shifts at work increasingly hard and yet somehow they seem to pass me by undetected. My eyes have been quite bad for the past few days, I’ve noticed, I think I need to have them tested again. I feel half asleep, it’s like I’m not really here. Nothing counts, nothing matters. I’m waking up at 8:30am every day, which is weird because I’m working lates, but good because I don’t like sleeping through the day and missing the short stints of winter sunshine. The days loom though, I feel ready to wake up but already bored, knowing I have nothing to do until 4 when I have to leave for work. I’m getting increasingly impatient with the radio and my diminishing number of stations. I hear the same songs over and over each day, skipping through when something I can’t bear to hear again comes on, only to hear what has just been played elsewhere. I don’t make the effort to dig out my mp3 player though, and find the cable and all that, so I can have my own playlist. I never see the point in making the effort on something if it’s just for me. That’s why Christmas is so much fun, it’s for everyone else. I’m enjoying my musical education from a good friend who knows all under the sun. I suppose the meds are starting to kick in, because I do feel sad but it’s nowhere near as strong today, and I just feel kind of bored. This is better, for now. I’m going to have to do something about the eating though. I’m just eating whatever I fancy at the moment because it’s so fleeting that I get a craving for something that I have to grab the chance. It feels strange to be organised for the first time, all my shopping is done and wrapped and I have absolutely nothing to do until tomorrow, when the family come and I have to pretend to be happy. No one wants to hear about this kind of illness. It’s not appropriate to be sad for no reason. I think my boyfriend’s excitement has gone from our relationship. I have hit my old trend of trying too hard, and fear I am boring him. That smarts. Maybe I make things too easy. If I were any more mysterious or unavailable I’m sure he would get so jealous that he would give up and leave me. We destroy each other, really, but I will never tire of it.

To my friends

Today is my eighth day on Fluoxetine. I am taking one pill a day, and the only way I can tell how many I’ve taken is by looking at the pack; that’s how my memory is these days. And the only way I know I’ve taken one today is that there is a kind of nauseous background to my day. I feel no different as yet. I am still completely uninterested in food, so am forcing down the occasional meal or snack while trying to concentrate on something else so as not to be sick.

I got my mother’s disapproval yesterday, which I’m still processing. It’s not new to be doing something she doesn’t like – she’s always had a comment about my hair, my weight. I feel like I am growing up; for the first time I realised it didn’t really matter what she thought because I can make these decisions now. I don’t think that if everyone around me disagreed, I would do anything differently. I have justified it to myself and that’s enough. I am doing everything I can right now to get better. I have my good days and bad days. I know what the best route is, and I have done what I can to achieve that. I am just not so strong that I can do the wait entirely alone. I need a bit of help. It is a temporary measure, and I am okay with it. Sometimes you need to open up to things you never considered right before, and I think this is a progressive step. I don’t like the ideology behind medication for these problems, but if they aren’t powerful enough to do the job, then they aren’t powerful enough to make me any worse. I am stronger than that, at least, and I know I will keep my head out of the clouds during this endeavour.

I am ever more grateful for my Nearly family, all my friends and my man. I love you all more than you could know. Please know that I keep you in my life because you are amazing and worthwhile, and you nurture me in many different ways. I am growing and it is because of you, as well as me, and the powers that be. Love love.

My love 16

I love the way you say ‘I love you’ just before a film starts, knowing we won’t talk for a little while and wanting our last words to each other to be nice.

I love that your clothes end up in my laundry.

I love that you always want to pay for everything, even if you don’t get anything out of it. I love that you know I would never exploit that.

I love that you put my knickers back in your drawer.

I love that you love my smell. Perfume and sweat.

I love that I want to know more about you, I am curious about you and your past, I want to know you better.

I love how sure I am that this can work, despite our differences. I think I’ve reached the stage where I can decide what is worth keeping, and be happy with it.

I love how certain you have always been about me, you adore and worship me, and sometimes I’m not sure I deserve it but I thank god every day that you see that in me.

I love how, sometimes, you reassure me that you do know how much you mean to me, and you do realise how good you are to me, and, at least sometimes, you feel sure that you’re good enough. I hope you feel much more like that than you let on. You are worth so many of any man I have known before.

I love how you looked after me that night when I was really ill. I felt so loved. I felt home in your arms. I loved you shouting at me, begging for a response, you caring so much. Just that memory fills my heart.

I love it when you say ‘baby’ in your voice, especially when there’s some meaning in it – when I’m winding you up and you want peace, when it’s awkward and you think I’m mad at you and you don’t understand why, when I’m not giving you all I can. Your voice is just music to my ears, that word and all that comes with it turn me on so much. It overwhelms me what I feel for you all in one, the strangest things turn me on, everything I know about you makes me want to be close to you and touch you and kiss you.

I love it when our bellies touch.

I love the way you want me to be a big part of your life.

I love that you don’t look at other girls. I take that for granted, but it’s really nice to know you think I’m the be all and end all. I know how you feel because I’m the same, I think you’re The Shit too and I would never even dream of looking at someone else.

I love that you can be yourself, and be ‘alive’ with me. That’s all I want really. And the fact that that works, is just amazing.

I love how much thought you put into presents. That’s rare.

I love how much better I am around you. My family and friends have all noted how happy and pleasant I am since we’ve been close. You’re a good influence.

I love that you like to surprise me.

I love that you want to do whatever I want to do, as long as we’re together.

14.12.09

Home from the doctor’s with a month’s supply of Fluoxetine 20mg, to be taken once daily until the doctor advises otherwise. First attempt short-term medicine to fill the wait until counselling.

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Type of medicine: Selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressant

Used for: Depression, Bulimia nervosa, Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Also called: Oxactin®, Ranflutin®, Prozep®, Prozac®, Prozit®

Check with your doctor if any of the following side effects occur: Marked behavioural changes including excessive excitement, abnormal body movements, combination of unresponsive body rigidity (inability to move or talk) high fever, profuse sweating or difficulty in breathing.

The following side effects have been most commonly reported. These side effects may go away on their own, however, check with your doctor if they continue or are bothersome: Anxiety, and nervousness, drowsiness; insomnia; dizziness; weakness or fatigue; nausea; diarrhoea; dry mouth; weight loss; tremor and increased sweating.

Some side effects which have been reported but are uncommon are as follows: headache, dry mouth, loss of appetite, dyspepsia, vomiting, severe constipation, increase of blood pressure and/or sight impairment, sore throat, joint or muscle pain, hair loss (usually reversible), sexual dysfunction and liver problems. Also problems with sense of taste have been reported.

In addition, some other side effects have been reported in association with fluoxetine but definite relationship with the medicine has not been established: Confusion; suicidal tendency; violent behaviour; stroke; increased tendency to bleed from various body sites such as gums, nose; blue-black patches over the skin occur following a bruise; fatigue or weakness with recurrent infections; dry cough associated with fever; chills and difficulty in breathing; sudden onset of abdominal pain; nausea and vomiting; passage of bloody or black stools and/or vomiting of blood or material that looks like coffee grounds; excessive milk flow from breasts; vaginal bleeding (after drug withdrawal) and anaemia.

Inform your doctor as soon as possible in case any of the above problems occur.

Other side effects not listed above may also occur in some patients.

My love 14

I’m just going through all my texts, typing them up because I can’t find a better way to copy them all, and I’m not losing them…

You are a perfect gentleman. You send me so much love and positivity and tell me such beautiful things about me and the way you feel about me, I can’t express how overpowering it is to feel so much affection, it makes me speechless. I just adore you. You’ll never know, I’ll never have the words to describe just how many thoughts and feelings run through my head when I think about you, when I look at you, when you send me a message. I even get excited whenever I see the name Carl, in case it’s to do with you. I get jealous of your male friends getting more kisses than me! I wonder what your life was like before me. I dream about what we’ll create together.

I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. I know we have ups and downs, but the ups are so strong, what could be more worth staying for? I love you. I feel new meaning in that every day.

It makes me so happy to know that when we have children, or friends, when we’re older, anyone who ever asks, if we’re having problems, why we stay, why we don’t see we’re just another chav couple who stay together for the sake of it, I know that even if asked separately we’d both answer the same and be sure of it: that we’re worth it. We have all we could ever need in each other. Good and bad. I want it all.

Forgive me for being cliché, but life just wouldn’t make sense without you. You are what I’ve been leading up to.

x

… Just one, but it’s a really good one ;)

S.A.D. update

Panic attacks went down for a very stable week, then a slightly-less week, now back to fairly often but not as bad as when I started this blog. So I’m still crying and thinking about death every day, and breaking down seemingly randomly, in the middle of good days. Two days ago I had an excited moment thinking about potential New Year plans, sent all my friends a message asking about theirs, then immediately had a slump and just lost all my enthusiasm for the rest of the day, and couldn’t even fathom the energy to text anyone back. I’m aware that’s pretty crap.

I just want to thank the new myspace friend who recommended Gabby Young to me because they are supporting her soon; she is amazing, thank you, you were spot on. I love her. She reminds me a little of Feist, who also make me feel wonderful things inside my bones. That’s the kind of stuff I need a lot of right now. I’m listening to We’re All In This Together on repeat at the moment, as I do when I find something that helps me write, or just function. I tried picking a new song to discover, but I’m in the state of mind that refuses interruption.

“I want to be miserable and delicate for about fifteen more minutes, please. Do not disturb.”

The other thing I’ve picked off the shelf to remind me of the beautiful things in life right now is my copy of New Erotic Photography by Dian Hanson and Eric Kroll. This is something I wish I had more time with, in a weird way. I look at it thinking I should only study it in alone time, but then part of me hopes I get discovered so I can show I don’t care because it’s tasteful and should be recognised as so; then I remember I am not my father and I do not need to educate everyone around me.

So I’m going to the doctor’s at silly o’ clock in the morning in the hope that they’ll have a space for me by chance, because they haven’t been open any time I’ve had off work recently and I’m really in need of a talk about the next step in this process. I got a call from the counselling service the other day, telling me that there are twenty-five people ahead of me on the waiting list, and the estimated date I will be seen won’t be before February or March. I am now at two months and five days on from my initial visit, at which the doctor said the usual wait is around six weeks. Well, I was having a down day, and that call was the cherry on that cake. I don’t know if there actually was a trigger that day but I broke down further than I have all week, and now I am actually dreading work every day. I can’t even play decent conversation with my friends there because I’m so sick of the same crap parts of the job, and myself. I am really not rating myself right now. I would say I’m at about a three out of ten on :)s.

Hopefully the doctor will give me some kind of personality-altering pills and I will morph into one of those loud, fun people who don’t care about anything. Or, I will revert into myself a little more because they will numb me and I won’t be able to moan anymore. We’ll see. But it’s a long way to March.

Work friends and college friends, I am thinking of you. A few of you are overdue your love letters. Some of you have gotten me through some really tough days recently, and I have a feeling you know that already. I really appreciate it. You are all amazing, you really are.

My love 13

It’s so hard wearing your smell and knowing how your body feels, when I can’t have it up against mine. I know your feet are way off down there somewhere, your head is resting facing mine, your hip is under my right leg. Always the right.

I have so many thoughts running round my head at once all the time, all relevant, all vying for a place in my messages to you, but I get behind myself and get caught up thinking about what I want to say to you rather than just saying it. I guess I do that when we’re together too. I owe you more. I hope you get some of it from my letters.

I love running my fingers over your tattoos, because it feels nice anyway and because it reminds me of something about you. It’s like a fascination, I don’t think I’ll ever stop.

I love it when you put your arms around me and hold my shoulders tight because that makes me feel loved and warm and safe and comfortable all in one, and the deeper it is the more I know you love me. It’s like I want to get deeper in everything with you, I want to know you deeper and be a deeper presence in your life. I want to have a deeper understanding of everything you care about or enjoy. Wrestling, drugs, music, Lowlands. I want to learn.

I’d really like to stop creating arguments out of nowhere and ending up being dramatic or silly and shouting or crying and just being pathetic. I know this sounds weird, but I almost love those moments too, I guess they’re the most interesting in a way because we’re both being so stupid and complex and doing the opposite to what we want for whatever reason, and then I crumble even more and beg you to be on my side again. I hope you know this when I tell you now, that I feel so tight in those moments when I’m not talking to you, I’m dying to say all these things to you but don’t know which one is right and which will make you love me more, which is what I really feel, which will make us the perfect long-lasting couple who are simple and honest and deal with their problems in a straightforward way. I don’t just want to do what others expect of me, like you tell me I shouldn’t, I do want to make my needs heard and deal with them together in harmony with yours. I just don’t always know what I need. Except, always, I need you to love me and put your arms around me and tell me it’s ok. I need you to be strong for me sometimes. I’m not so good at that. Please know I feel it. Today I was desperate to hold onto you and feel you holding my shoulders and lie down with you, just for a few minutes. That’s my favourite part of any day. The days without that aren’t worth getting up for.

One thing I really love about us, what makes me feel proud and happy is that our song is Dizzee Rascal and Calvin Harris. What could be more honest and carefree? I love that, I love you, I love dancing and that fits us like a glove. I hope we have lots of songs and lots of dances.