This one’s not for you. Before I tell you that, as it turns out, there are some things I do need to write to you but never give to you; there are things I do need to get off my chest that I can’t really share with you, I want you to trust that it doesn’t mean I love you any less, or trust you any less, or that we might have problems. We really don’t. Nothing about how you are with me could make me stop loving you, unless you did it first, and even then, it would take me a very long time to reach that point, after getting over it. I don’t even think we ever really get over anything.
This isn’t a disclaimer. You know all this anyway, and it’s what makes us both so happy.
You always say… how you’re a mess, an idiot and you’re asking me if I’ve never stopped and thought, “What the hell am I doing with him?” DON’T SAY THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HAPPEN. Don’t put things into reality that make you unhappy in your head. I had never really thought about it in the way you put it; looking at you as a stranger, looking at you from my past self, thinking how different we are and how we could never really fit together in a long-term situation. I hadn’t.
That’s not to say I’ve changed my mind. Please realise you mean everything to me right now, and I still strive to be the best I can for you, or at least I wish to be, I could say I strived if I knew what I was supposed to do. I’m not used to relationships. I haven’t had many. You’re advanced on me in that respect.
It just opened up that perspective you get when you stand back from a painting you’ve been working on for a while; you see it as new, separate, you detach. Hearing that word makes me feel sad, I don’t want to detach from you, and I hope that’s not what I mean at all. I don’t mean to put the fear of God into you by saying all this, and that’s why I won’t give this letter to you, but what I’m saying is that everything’s so fragile. I feel I have to recognise that so as not to skip along in an absolute daydream; or else all my emotional learning curves in the past may have been for nothing.
I guess you’ll want to know what I saw when I stepped back. Well, I saw this – you might be right. You might be a hopeless drunk, something to put up with. At times. You might be young and wild and in a completely different place in your life to me. You might change. You might not. You might grow out of me. I might be kidding myself.
Anyway, know this: Fragile as we may be, different as we are, I love you with all my heart and if things this unusual can work out well, then I pray we have all it takes because it would fulfil such a yearning in my heart for knowing that romance exists, and that there is something meaningful in loving relationships to hold onto. I need to know they work out. I think my parents have a lot to answer for.
Please stick with me. Don’t get scared. I will do whatever it takes.