Lying awake at 3.57am last night I was thinking: Why is it so hard for me to be without my boyfriend for more than a few days? Am I that insecure? Am I so zoned out from independent life, and social life, that he is no less than the beat of my heart in a silence? Is that unhealthy, or romantic?
My mind goes crazy on the weekends when we don’t get much alone time. I start to analyse the little things again; worry about how I’ll look when we meet, wonder if he’s changed his mind about me. I feel like I’m back on a third or fourth date, and I have to relearn all our patterns and secret handshakes. The shapes of his face surprise me. I dread him making new decisions without me, as if I am no longer a valued member of the committee on ‘To Beard Or Not To Beard?’
I look around and see alarm bells that have been telling me for some time that I am losing my sense of self, and I desperately need to get it back before I am completely unfixable. A half-full coke bottle – I never used to drink anything but water, never bought out, and never wasted. Walls with a couple of hints at my artistic tastes and a corner full of his memories – gig tickets, stolen metal lettering, etc.
I feel vulnerable because it’s like I have started afresh in this new life with nothing and only contributed to our living space things that relate to us, or that have come into my possession during our relationship. We have been together fourteen months now, and I have been living with his parents for six. Is it too much to ask for a more balanced and personalized habitat? Thinking about the fact that this is his family home and his teenage room makes me feel guilty and queasy. Who is this bitch walking in and expecting things to mould around her? This house has had a life before me, and I feel like if I made it more my own, I would be interfering.
Is this really too childlike a situation for an emotionally-unstable, free-spirited twenty-three-year-old who needs the mess and passion and chaos only permitted to the self-sufficient? Instinct – yes. I feel trapped and useless. I want to make this world my own again.
New goals (finally): Finish a collection of short stories to send to publishers and to boost my portfolio. Find a flat of my own as soon as I can afford it. Get a well-paid job that allows me to wear amazing clothes every day. And, ideally, afford outfits from Topshop.
MAKE TIME for the things I need; friends, sleep, good food, personal development. Love.