I try.

I stand in the shower and let the heat pound on my front until I feel exquisitely nothing. I think of the French, imagine I want to be everyone else, and yet no one. Everything and nothing fight for my heart, and I wonder which it will give in to. So many things buzz in my head today. I feel overwhelmed every time something positive happens – I get so excited and trip over my own thoughts as they spiral in the hope of something wonderful, and they bring me back to this. I imagine things in time with songs, wonder how much belongs to me and how much is just implanted from things I’ve watched other people create. Imagine that my tears might be important. You can’t make a film out of just anything.

I went to Mind last night and stood at the door for a minute. The depression support group night. Walked round town for an hour to kill time before the lights came on, and finally the door opened, but then there was a person there. It was real. Suddenly I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t feel like sitting in a high-exposure circle of strangers and having an ‘informal discussion’ about how my head doesn’t work. I made my excuses, and left. One more lifeline for another time.

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