With Porn Week on mute as I listen to a new fan’s band, I begin to question my priorities.

I have planned to go to a depression support group tomorrow night; another avenue, I thought, problem solved sooner. I also planned, in my forgetfulness, to see a friend at the same time, and then when I remembered, told her I couldn’t. I can’t help feeling I’m missing the point somewhat by putting a frightening circle of strangers before a comfy night in with some French films. Perhaps this is one lifeline I can leave on hold for now.

I think I am coming close to seeing my share of naughty things, and possibly then my nervous curiosity to be educated will be satisfied. I never had a crazy phase; no wild one-night stands, no orgies in church pews, no holy popcorn boxes in the back row. Perhaps consequently, I have always been a bit curious. I don’t like porn, I just have to watch things. I need to read about it, need to hear stories about red-light experiences from real people, even though they depress me in an underhand way that hurts without justification and leaves me wholly fragile, I have to do it to myself. It’s like a hankering for knowledge that I don’t really want, and can’t learn that fact. Maybe I do know that, but won’t accept it yet, because I just don’t want to be that naive. I feel like a lot of things are a competition in my life – if I value someone, I have to find out everything about their favourite band, buy a T-shirt, and choreograph a dance to the hit single before I see them next. If they can cook, I need to read up on allergies and preferences and seasoning suggestions, so I feel in the know. It’s my nature. I hate it, I do things I don’t enjoy at all, I convince myself I like things because certain people have recommended them, and I go off things I’ve loved for years because someone makes a flippant derogatory comment about them. Exhibit A: Old boyfriend said “Women aren’t funny.” Of course, I know this is not true, even I make people laugh. But in my head, the statement rings out like gospel. It is physically impossible for me to classify women as funny, especially over men. They will never win. This person is long gone from my life, and stopped being important years ago. Sadly, the damage is still done, I have learned a new prejudice.

Hi, my name is Darcy, and I am over porn.


2 thoughts on “Priorities

  1. Appologies for totally hogging your comments board all the time but I’m finding this a good way to interact right now! Was this b/f a mutual aquaintance? I can imagine certain people I know saying that just to be a twat and not really meaning it.

    In danger of pressing yet more unwanted interests on you, and of sounding like I think the right music is a cure for everything (which is not true, but I use it as a mood-booster so I think it does work most times) I think you should listen to Make Yourself. Just the whole album, but especially the title track and Pardon Me. And track 1, 2, 3, 8, and 13. Yeah, just the whole album. Its all linked up with the idea that ‘Im me, I stand on my own two feet, this is how I am so fuck off’. A message we all need sometimes. Oh, and if someone really pisses me off I go somewhere and listen to Walk by Pantera. Preferably whilst stomping around slamming things down, hard.

    No way Punk!

    I get what you mean about not adopting other peoples prejudices too, sometimes you find things it would never have occurred to you to think just pop into your head thanks to a comment made by some thoughtless dick. But I know how I want to direct my thoughts, I dont want to be like people that I abhor so you have to push yourself to believe only what you hold to be true through your own experience and level of compassion/interest/whatever.

    Now repeat after me:

    You can go and jump in the lake. Get lost, get out of my head, I dont need this and I cant be bothered. Im going to go do something I enjoy, la la la la la.


  2. Pardon my French but I can’t believe I’ve ignored Incubus for so long. It’s literally been years since I listened to their albums and yes, I am familiar with both those songs, and they are amazing. Will have to route around for the CD.

    I don’t think you knew that guy, and maybe he didn’t mean it. I never knew what he was actually thinking. Funnily enough, he broke up with me by a river; perhaps I should have pushed him in.

    I’m sure someone you know probably said it in jest too. It’s so hard to remember what you think when things like that get said because you search your memory in order to prove the point, by instinct, and everything else gets wiped.

    Here’s to women who will make me laugh in this life. You have definitely been one already. I miss school nights at yours.

    ‘Walk’ is also bloody good in that mood, can just see you now. Brings a chuckle to my chest.

    Thanks for the wise words, as always. :) Much appreciated. Big Loves xxxxxxxxxx

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