No. 7

After a night of howling and whimpering like a beaten dog because my boyfriend bought an X-box rather than elope to marry me in Bordeaux, (That post-it’s been on the fridge for ages, surely he knows that’s next on the list) there are too many parts of me that ache to name. The face I have to look at every morning and tell ‘I love you’, is blotchy from mangled sleep. Birds are still tweeting outside. Life goes on without you. I feel so very lost and trapped in myself. So many things scare me that used to be no enemy to my thirsty hedonism.

I don’t like the dark, I don’t like alone time, I don’t like travelling, I don’t like showers, I don’t like theatre (don’t worry, I’ll take that back), I can’t keep potplants, I don’t like food. At all.

Today’s questions: Am I in danger of starving myself? Am I making all this up? Should I fill my time with as many different people and activities as possible, or rest and be delicate, take it easy, take comfort in familiarity. Is that to put too much pressure on a few shoulders?

New thought: Don’t exhaust every avenue at once. Take what you can from one thing at a time, give it due attention and recognise what makes you better, at what point. Perhaps some things are better left until another day.

Right now, I will try the diary of physical and emotional changes, and continue with the books. Today’s entry will include a homage to my role model, to remind me of the essence of the good things I hope to move towards.

I have finished reading ‘Taming the Black Dog’, and am going to refer back to the exercises over the coming weeks. I must say the format and some of the feelings described in the book give me hope – not only do I feel normal but I got through the lovely short sections in a reasonable amount of time. So far I have buggered the diet suggested with some pasta and bread – I will not apologise for being a carb monkey. They are tasty. So, I move on to ‘Creative Visualization’ – meditation, positive thinking and the law of attraction.

As an afterthought, exercise will be confined to lovely natural, real-context things such as walks in the forest, swimming, or running away from monsters. Forced stretches make me feel like my back is on fire. The Crab is no longer my party trick. This is coming from a girl who used to be an acrobat.

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2 thoughts on “No. 7

  1. Not that I am an expert in anything, but I always thought that a little of what you fancy does you good, and that variety is the spice of life. So… in my humble way I suggest doing a selection of little things… often. As for starving yourself… is that a metaphorical starvation, or an actual dietary one, either way, I would suggest that you don’t. Although I would personally always take a dietary starvation over a starvation of creativity or imagination, but then I have about a billion times more bulk to shift than you do.

    I used to be trapped inside myself, well, I still am really, only now my prison is my fortress and I think I never let anyone in because whats in here is too damn scary for anyone else to comprehend, and its mine, all I really have is in here with me, its not even much, or precious, its just mine and I think I dont want to share it, but thats another issue, possibly one for my blog.

    Not sure this has helped you at all, maybe it put a bit of a smile on your face, if its done that, then at least for that moment you will have escaped yourself via the power of a glorious smile and let loose a teensy bit of the inner light you have.

  2. I endeavour to do a little of each of a lot of nice things from now on: dancing, singing, talking French, watching arty movies, writing stories, meeting people, drinking tea, thinking about the 1940s.

    I am rather trapping myself too but I intend to snap myself out of it, and soon. I am building a small army of supportive friends, mentors and role models to give me a kick up the bum too.

    Today I am smiling.

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