After a night of howling and whimpering like a beaten dog because my boyfriend bought an X-box rather than elope to marry me in Bordeaux, (That post-it’s been on the fridge for ages, surely he knows that’s next on the list) there are too many parts of me that ache to name. The face I have to look at every morning and tell ‘I love you’, is blotchy from mangled sleep. Birds are still tweeting outside. Life goes on without you. I feel so very lost and trapped in myself. So many things scare me that used to be no enemy to my thirsty hedonism.
I don’t like the dark, I don’t like alone time, I don’t like travelling, I don’t like showers, I don’t like theatre (don’t worry, I’ll take that back), I can’t keep potplants, I don’t like food. At all.
Today’s questions: Am I in danger of starving myself? Am I making all this up? Should I fill my time with as many different people and activities as possible, or rest and be delicate, take it easy, take comfort in familiarity. Is that to put too much pressure on a few shoulders?
New thought: Don’t exhaust every avenue at once. Take what you can from one thing at a time, give it due attention and recognise what makes you better, at what point. Perhaps some things are better left until another day.
Right now, I will try the diary of physical and emotional changes, and continue with the books. Today’s entry will include a homage to my role model, to remind me of the essence of the good things I hope to move towards.
I have finished reading ‘Taming the Black Dog’, and am going to refer back to the exercises over the coming weeks. I must say the format and some of the feelings described in the book give me hope – not only do I feel normal but I got through the lovely short sections in a reasonable amount of time. So far I have buggered the diet suggested with some pasta and bread – I will not apologise for being a carb monkey. They are tasty. So, I move on to ‘Creative Visualization’ – meditation, positive thinking and the law of attraction.
As an afterthought, exercise will be confined to lovely natural, real-context things such as walks in the forest, swimming, or running away from monsters. Forced stretches make me feel like my back is on fire. The Crab is no longer my party trick. This is coming from a girl who used to be an acrobat.