Hello cruel world. And other drama.

Okay.

This is me. It is all true (and part fiction). I am here to vent, to heal and perhaps to develop.

The name is what I want to call my daughter, should I have one.

Okay.

As I was waiting at the doctor’s today in a packed reception, there was a woman whispering in French to the man next to me. I liked that. All the children’s toys had been removed to reduce the risk of infection. At one point someone received a text, and everyone heard the ‘INCOMING’ missile sound bite from the computer game Worms. I liked that.

I am hoping, or imagining, or whatever, to be diagnosed with depression, or whatever it is that keeps throwing me into this black hole, so I can take steps and get on with my life. I feel useless, lazy, lethargic, weak, and emotionally worn out. I cry a few times every day, I have had panic attacks over the past few months which have increased to at least once a day over the past week. I feel like a crazy person. I have a loving, perfect boyfriend, and I waste our limited time together each week by picking fights from insecurities and paranoia.

We are at different points in our working lives – he has one year to go at uni, I have been in the real world for a year having finished my degree, which, I’m sorry to say, got me exactly nowhere. I got a 2:1 in Theatre and English, and now I serve popcorn to people who pick quarrels with the staff over the fact that they can’t use certain vouchers for “Meaty Balls 3D”.

I am: twenty-three, unchallenged, disillusioned, self-obsessed, alienated. I do it to myself. I do. Me and no one else.

I know I have a book in me; I have written plays, poems, stories. I need a new project. I also need to start helping myself before I ruin a relationship I could happily end up in, and waste my youth.

Thus, I will from now on love myself and others, only open my mouth when I have something positive to say (or some evil that needs to be vanquished), and follow affirmations to get me through what feels like the longest-yet dark period in my short life. Or just, to begin with, to get me through the day.

Friends, family, lover, I love you. You have all taken care of me and the only way I have to repay you is to write.

I will start my positive outward vibes with some letters inspired by a stranger called Asia. These made my relationship what it is. Or, what it was before I freaked out.

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8 thoughts on “Hello cruel world. And other drama.

  1. You describe a state of emotion many of us have, or do suffer with, yet at those times we feel completely alone.

    I hope by expressing your thoughts you can reaffirm your search for happiness and contentment, and also help you to recognise that you’re not alone in the way you feel. I’ve had some struggles throughout my life, but I have to say the years after finishing Uni were the hardest by far!!!!!

    There are those of us who can (almost) completely understand your feelings, and those who can’t are still hoping for you to recognise there will be laughter and light again and there is love despite the cold wall that seems to be between you and it!

  2. Beautful text, and I can feel your pain too. Moving abroad took me into a similar black hole for several months. I was depressed, got panic attacs and argued with my perfect (for me he is) boyfriend. Darcy Eleanore, I want you to read this book: “Creative Visualization” by Shakti Gawain. You can find it on Amazon.com or possibly from “hippyish” bookshops… It helped me to find my way out from the black hole, and to find my way towards what it is I love to do in life.

    Don’t lose your faith, as Aresho said, WE always believe in you! Keep dreaming, imagining, writing, moving towards your dreams, they WILL come true, if YOU believe the can! Love!!! x

  3. Thank you all so much for your encouragement and suggestions. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.

    I know I said I would follow with the letters, but this next post seems more relevant at this point. They will come.

  4. I (heart) your blog tagline. What should mine be?
    “Secrets of the stacks….and other dark recesses”?
    or
    “Confessions of a creative cast-out?”
    pah, I’m crap at this. You’re the writer for sure!

    p.s. when I’m feeling depressed Malenky I read Marcus Aurelius and drink Rose Pouchong tea while wrapped in my duvet. He is the wisest man who ever lived, although he would hate to hear people say that.

    Feel better soon darling, and don’t listen to the Smiths ;)

  5. Not sure what the stacks are but that sounds good, that’s the best one.

    The Smiths shouldn’t be a problem but I am having trouble staying away from Ray LaMontagne. The man touches me.

    To be honest, when I’ve heard you mention MA in the past, I believed you were talking about Gladiator. I don’t think I can rightly call myself an intellectual anymore.

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