This is me. It is all true (and part fiction). I am here to vent, to heal and perhaps to develop.
The name is what I want to call my daughter, should I have one.
As I was waiting at the doctor’s today in a packed reception, there was a woman whispering in French to the man next to me. I liked that. All the children’s toys had been removed to reduce the risk of infection. At one point someone received a text, and everyone heard the ‘INCOMING’ missile sound bite from the computer game Worms. I liked that.
I am hoping, or imagining, or whatever, to be diagnosed with depression, or whatever it is that keeps throwing me into this black hole, so I can take steps and get on with my life. I feel useless, lazy, lethargic, weak, and emotionally worn out. I cry a few times every day, I have had panic attacks over the past few months which have increased to at least once a day over the past week. I feel like a crazy person. I have a loving, perfect boyfriend, and I waste our limited time together each week by picking fights from insecurities and paranoia.
We are at different points in our working lives – he has one year to go at uni, I have been in the real world for a year having finished my degree, which, I’m sorry to say, got me exactly nowhere. I got a 2:1 in Theatre and English, and now I serve popcorn to people who pick quarrels with the staff over the fact that they can’t use certain vouchers for “Meaty Balls 3D”.
I am: twenty-three, unchallenged, disillusioned, self-obsessed, alienated. I do it to myself. I do. Me and no one else.
I know I have a book in me; I have written plays, poems, stories. I need a new project. I also need to start helping myself before I ruin a relationship I could happily end up in, and waste my youth.
Thus, I will from now on love myself and others, only open my mouth when I have something positive to say (or some evil that needs to be vanquished), and follow affirmations to get me through what feels like the longest-yet dark period in my short life. Or just, to begin with, to get me through the day.
Friends, family, lover, I love you. You have all taken care of me and the only way I have to repay you is to write.
I will start my positive outward vibes with some letters inspired by a stranger called Asia. These made my relationship what it is. Or, what it was before I freaked out.